Sunday, November 2, 2008

How can you save daylight?

I don't know -- it's like I've lost some time, somewhere. Everyone keeps telling me I'm an hour off. Maybe I gained some time. I can't tell. But that's just crazy. How can the time change? I mean, of course it changes, but it doesn't skip around. Like, first it's 2006, then it's 2003? No, I'm not buying it. Welcome to 1927! Yipee! Not likely.

So I've formulated a few theories. Tell me which you think is most likely. First, I'm thinking that ... well, this is kind of obvious, but I have to say it. Space aliens have rayed the Planet Earth with a space ray that steals -- or maybe donates -- time. Like they feed on temporal energy or something, and have to take it from moderately industrialized planets. Or maybe their temporoplasmatic hyperengines generate polluting catatachirays, and they dump it on earth. Like we're this toxic dumping ground for Cryptovenusians, dude. And, like, I'm the only one who noticed it, and so they're after me to get me. But I'm too powerful and mysterious for them to find me. So that's one theory. I know, it's obvious.

Or maybe like I fell into a time warp and was projected an hour into the future. Or maybe an hour into the past? And my biostatic chronorhythms are desyched? So like I'm out of phase, and can pass through solid matter and stuff. Only I can't. And why wouldn't I just sink through the ground to the molten core of the Planet, which is melted iron and nickel mostly? And if I was outphase with time wouldn't I be outphase with gravity, and light? And what would I eat? But anyway that would explain these horrible headaches that I keep having, and I have these weird bumps on the bottoms of my feet. Like, time pustules. From the radiation of passing through the micro-wormhole that projected me into the future, or the past. Can you be projected into the past? Reject into the past. So that might have happened.

Or maybe I'm this mutant, with secret superpowers that I'm just finding out about at the age of late forties. And I'm a timeskipper, who can leap from moment to moment like hopping from stone to stone in a stream. Like, reaching out from each smallest particle of time to the next, and pulling yourself along. Like climbing a ladder, a one-way ladder. Only I can skip rungs. Or like I'm aging backwards, one hour at a time, and this is only the first step into an infinite regress. Or maybe I'm aging forwards, but at a superslow rate, which would explain how handsome and youthful I am. People are always just amazed that I'm so old, because I look so young. Like I'm a lost child of the supersecret Atlantean megarace that disappeared into a dead icevolcano in the Gobi Desert and I'm the product of ten thousand years of selective breeding to be the Lord of Time, and it was prophesied that I'd be called Dzhaaq-haietshe, which translates from the ancient tongue as He of the Piercing Blue Eyes Like Lightning in the Clear Sky, and this is the sign by which all shall recognize meand I'm just now coming into my heritage, and I have to decide whether I'll be good or evil.

Or maybe I slipped into a parallel universe where everything is exactly the same only it's an hour off. And I'll have to find my way back to EARTHprime or the entire multiverse will be destroyed because of the imbalance in virtual metareality. And I have to invent an android that will take my place in this other universe so that the newly created vibronic cascade won't collapse in on itself before I rescue Laura. I don't think this is too likely, but it's a very plausible possibility.

Or maybe I'm being attacked by the demon Azraequoleon and he has like this giant bloodruby talisman that was the third eye of Nebuchadnezzar's giant golden idol and that's a timelaser and generates chaosrays aimed at me, but I'm too powerful and can't be destroyed but there's this side effect of my power which is that the whole world is being thrown out of harmony with the spacetime continuum and I have to solve the problem or Satan will rule all the souls of creation eternally from Hell.

Or maybe the paragovernment of the Luminous Shadow League -- a cabal of multinational bankers, military historians, one-world globalists and islamo-industrialists -- have developed a giganto-666-computer that has become self-aware and heuristic and can manipulate the mass of the solar system so that time flows at variable rates because it was programmed to maximize profits and calculated that compound interest yields optimal results when time is regionally accelerated. But I noticed a slight anomaly when I was analyzing a bunch of data and deduced the whole scheme and how to thwart it, and now I'm being targeted with maximum prejudice and I have to form an underground Resistance and lead the world into the glorious sunshine of freedom once more.

Well, I could go on. But you see my dilemma. When confronted with the impossible we must answer with the inexplicable. If only there were some simple explanation, in which the whole world wasn't being threatened. But somehow, I do like the drama of it all. I think that even if there were some easy answer, I'd reject it. I feel so, so important, right now. Like I matter. Like I have a purpose. Like people care about me, and need me. Yes, all things considered, I will limit the choices to those I've listed here. Any other would only depress me, and make me feel small. I'm not small. I'm large. I matter.



Glaxo said...

Jack H.

Have you remembered to turn your clocks back one hour last night?

bob k. mando said...

good God man, are you mad?

Jack's busy fighting off Crypto-Venusians, demons ( personal ones, i'm sure ), and the Islamo-banker-military-Industrialist-Templar conspiracies to take over the world as well as ...

[takes deep breath]

finding the timewarp to get back home, acknowledging his mutant heritage, building an android and finding his way back through the inter-Universal stitial passages all to save Laura.

he hasn't got time for this "setting clocks" crap.

"wuv, twue wuv" comes before all!

Will C. said...

Reminds me of the B-movie Timewalker, where a Egyptian mummy crypt arrives at a University to be studied and they X-Ray the contents only the ambitious phD student turns up the power way too high. It somehow brings the mummy to life later, and also he's covered in this green gook that if a person comes in contact with it spreads like a disease killing them So he (the mummy) is out terrorising Co-eds trying to reclaim the crystals stolen from his sarcophogas and he finally gets them all while one student finally interprets the hieroglyphics which tell a story of a strange visitor who came to Egypt and the King greeted him but became enveloped in a green skin covering disease and the King (and visitor) seemingly died so the people mummified them and put them away with a warning to never open while later the mummy takes hi reclaimed crystals and puts them on this cool looking triagular board and they start to light up and the the mummy is enveloped in light and become the visitor (aka the Timewalker) and he magnamously heals the student that had earlier jumped in front of the bullet that was meant for the mummy, cool huh!..the End

Jack H said...

That actually happened to me once. Long story.