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Friday, April 2, 2010

Testimonials

Xanadu, CA
Aprl 1, 2010


Dear Sir or Madame:


Show the enclosed paper to others, make copies if you like.

I am now 50 years of age, very pretty and handsome and youthful, a Certified Genius per the National Institute of Genius Identification and Skullbump Technology, Ltd., a Master of Science, 6'4", 182 lbs, blondhair, blue eyes, and have been clinically depressed for my entire adult life.

I was born in Whittier and live with my mother and all her little doggies and cats too. I have many friends, but I cannot find them anymore, although I do hear them.

It is a lie that I spent 3 years in the No. Dak. State Hospital and had 50 insulin coma shock treatments. I believe they don't even do that anymore I think. I also never escaped with a car and butcher knife and was nearly killed by the Police.

I have never stolen, raped, or killed. A psychiatrist, Dr. Viktor Freeze, said it was a miracle. Well I did steal erasers when I was in fourth grade.

I do not like nor will I eat mooshy food such as bananas. I do not eat beans that come out of a can. Nor will I tolerate the smell of pemmican, a frozen meat and fat confection.

I have had sex with over 211 women, all of them prostitutes, many of whom were so charmed by my pleasant demeanor and winning ways that they charged me only a minimal fee -- what they called the "virgin boy rate." It is very flattering.

I am a very handsome and charming Virgo, same as Alexander the Great, Ivan the Terrible, John Wilkes Booth, Scott Baio, Robert Blake, Jesse James, Admiral Bligh, Billy Ray Cyrus, Emperor Augustus, Cesare Borgia, Cardinal Richelieu, Marquis de Lafayette, Regis Philbin, Van Johnson, von Wallenstein, General John J. "Black Jack" Pershing, Macaulay Culkin, Louis XIV, Joseph Kennedy Sr, Richard the Lionhearted, Jimmy the Greek, River Phoenix, Downtown Julie Brown, Lyndon Johnson, Michael Jackson, Sean Connery, Mother Teresa, Yasser Arafat, Freidrich Hegal, George Wallace, Mickey Mouse (fictional), Beyonce, Maeterlinkck, Queen Lili'uokalani, and Todd Palin. I am very masculine, and like women.

In 2005, I received a batch of letters from Wyoming second graders, saying that my Billy the Kid song called Yippee Ya Hoo, was their favorite song and was sung in class every day.

According to neurologists, I have suffered far more than any human being who has ever lived, because when I was insane, I had the power to twist the bloodvessels in my brain, as is found in Goulds Medical Dictionary.

According to all psychologists and other experts, I am the smartest man ever to walk on the face of the Planet Earth.

I would like to personally impregnate hundreds of highly bright single or divorced but hot women of any age in order to produce a crop of Great Geniuses to improve the world and the general tenor therein.

Thank you for disseminating this information.


With Utmost and Humble Sincerity,

Jack H


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[Feel free to duplicate via mimeograph or the World Wide Web, and disseminate freely. No copyright.]

"He had an unusual kind of visual imagery that penetrated his thought process. He could actually see his concepts. He did more to advance science by the sheer power of thought alone, than any scientist who ever lived. " -- Said of Albert Einstein, Scientist

"Your imagination is unusual, Jack H. You picture Spiritual, Materialistic, and Philosophical pictures, and also have the ability to retain the pictures too. Whew!!" -- Said of Jack H, by Olive Grape, a Certified Handwriting Expert, in 1987, on or near the Campus of a Major Community College.

"There's a horrible amount of intelligence here going to waste." -- of Jack H, by Arthur M. Hellerd, Psychologist

"You are a highly disturbing man." -- of Jack H, by Gwen Yama.

In Sept 2007, Q. Peter Bruno, the psychologist at the County Free Clinic in Pacoima, told me that I am "probably the smartest human ever born in the world. You have an IQ that is out of this world." A missionary, Aldritch Gunn, told me he said it [emphasis added for emphasis].

"With your amazing mind, you could conquer the world." -- of Jack H, by Kenneth Laviers, night manager of the International Magazine Rack, corner of Forsyth and Victory, North Hollywood.

"No one who ever lived here on this crazy planet we call the Earth, has ever suffered as much as you have, or could. You are an inspiration to us all, living or dead." -- Said of Jack H, by Dr. Marto A. Ruona Killings, Psy.D., famous neurologist.

"How are we going to put your great intellect to work to benefit mankind? How are we going to turn it loose? If you don't use your mind, it will be a great loss to the world, humanity and the planet Earth." Said of Jack H, by Dr. Wllm G. Goldenrodd, Psychologist and national champion fly fisherman.

"You aren't normal, Jack H. ...tremendous minds like yours are only found in insane asylums." -- Said of Jack H, by Rev. Hubert C. Robinson

My intellect is gigantic, monstrous, terrifying.

Here is a sampling of some of my many countless scientific discoveries:

-- "Temperature is everywhere. It can be negative or highly positive, but it influences and pervades everything. It is the secret of life, and highly necessary. " Quoted from the treatise by Jack H, Stratigraphical Observations Of The Devonian Hellespont, c. 1983

-- "Gravity, if memory serves, and I have not bothered to check the facts but feel sure my recollection is accurate, is a sort of electricity according to Albert Eisenstien, the great physicalist who invented e equals mc squared. In this he is correct, but he did not delve deeply enough into the mysteries. Gravity is, in actuality, both a DC phenomenon, and an element of only the black, or negative circuit wire." Quoted from the tractate authored by Jack H, Six Weeks Among The Nkilik Aboriginals Of The Maliqaiwila Peninsula, c. 1983.

-- "I have written many beautiful songs, which I sing with a lilting melancholy unmatched since the Angels first announced the First Dawn!" -- From a Brief Autobiographical Notes On The Life To Date of Jack H, Influential Internet Celebrity, c. 1983.

-- "The Planet is actually an immeasurable drop of water covered with space dust. Lava therefore is just dirty mudwater, caused to erupt from the broken crust of the Earth by the weight of too many humans. Overpopulation is the cause of all vulcanism. It is of urgent import that all Scientists gather to formulate a plan to enclose the Planet within a cube or sphere of glass so that further water comprising the substance of all matter and the Planet may not evaporate additionally into space with its infinite void of emptiness. More water in more people means less in the Oceans and Ponds of the surface, which means the Planet is smaller and closer to the center of the Earth, which is hot, which is the True Cause of Global Warming!!!" -- From the extended pamphlet authored by Jack H, Orthography And Lunar Eclipses In The Light Of Marxist-Leninism, c. 1983.


This should give you a sampling of the might of my unmatched cerebral powers of ratiocination.


J

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