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Tuesday, July 24, 2012

My Booty Call

Maybe she’s not American. Maybe she travels, often abroad, and calls on short notice, three weeks, a month, as soon as she can but long enough for that internal pressure to propel me to her arms like command and compulsion. Maybe she’s an island girl, tawny skin and thick black hair, wild, almond eyes, dark, full lips I trace in tender passion with my tongue. Perhaps I’ve known her for years, nothing anonymous for me, nothing casual, not committed but suiting our respective remote natures, wounded monogamy, indulgent physical friendship that consumes 5 or 6 or 7 hours of some one or few Saturdays of each month or season, embrace, caress, and so on, and because it is me, and her, again, again, but we need not dwell on that.

You might be glad for me, to find I’m not as isolated as my partial explications may suggest. You may feel I’ve not been utterly frank, now, or in the past. To this I smile, slightly, sly, silent, then in a seemingly irrelevant aside mention my love of science, physics, quantum mechanics. Particles and waves, and Schrodinger’s cat, and the byplay between virtual and virtuosity and virtue.

I would not be proud, not pleased, with such a compromise. It would be, almost, a desperate thing, a bargain against despair, my one seduction, the time I fell and stayed down, for years then, perhaps because this man’s body of mine was not upheld by the promises, empty as it seems, of God to sustain me in my darkest hours. It is, perhaps, my rebellion, disobedient, deliberate, addictive, unrepentant, wrong, and I don’t care. If I found no comfort in awaiting God’s notice, if I shattered with loss, broken, grieving, and when I could see again saw her, well, sometime she might say she’s falling in love with me, and I might say, ‘shhhh’, or ‘yes of course you are’, or make no reply but fingertips to her cheek, and this is more than God has done for me. Lately.

It could be though that I am always alone. Sometimes that’s the impression I create. But who is always alone? It must be a metaphor. As this must be as well.


J

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