Penis-Melting Zionist Robot Combs

Khartoum, September 2003 -- A plague of robot combs held the city in terror, causing untold havoc by melting countless Sudanese penises. Attacking victims of any age, from infant to the very old, the vicious robot combs shrank penises to a smooth Nubian nubbin, or in some cases caused them to fall free from the body. The freed penises were observed to burrow into the dirt, whence they emerged during the wet season to devour birds and small game; they also attempted to breed with farm animals.

According to the United Nations' World Health Organization, the electronic robot combs exist in a complex symbiotic relationship with hand shaking and verbal curses. Epidemiologists throughout the Islamic world have identified the combs' cyborganic genome as consistent with strains developed by the Zionist entity. 

Nobel canditate Dr. Mustaffa al-Muzri, Director of Infibulation at the Abuja Institute for Qu'oranic Animal Husbandry, states, "It's like nothing a human has seen before. Completely inhuman science. The ... Jews are trying to destroy all Muslims by attacking our penises with the American science fiction technology of the robotic combs and making them shrink."

Ja'far Abbas, a prominent Sudanese columnist for the Saudi daily Al-Watan, writes: "shaking hands with a dark-skinned man" greatly increased susceptibility to the penis melting properties of the robot combs. Abbas documents his case by citing a man who was approached in a market by a stranger who handed the man a comb and asked him to comb his hair. 

"When he did so, within seconds ... he felt a strange sensation and discovered that he had lost his penis. ... I wanted to tell that man who fell victim to the electronic comb: 'You jackass, how can you put a comb from a man you don't know to your head, while even relatives avoid using the same comb?!' ... That [strange] man, who, as it is claimed, is from West Africa, is an imperialist Zionist agent that was sent to prevent our people from procreating and multiplying." 

As Abbas explains, "No doubt, this comb was a laser-controlled surgical robot that penetrates the skull, to the lower body and emasculates a man!!"

Reliable sources placed within the Zionist governing body have provided evidence that the Jews are also developing ray-generating bionic tweezers that will shrink the breasts and nipples of Muslim women, causing dwarfism in Muslim boys. The penises of Muslim birds and the udders of Muslim cows are also at risk.

Sudan's Minister of Health, Abul-Gasim Mohamed Ibrahim, stated that the phenomenon was investigated by Sudanese police, who found no evidence of a supernatural agent, thus affirming the likelihood of Zionist involvement.

*****

Toulouse, September 2006 -- Robert Redeker, a French profesor of philosophy, went underground. Living underground -- not yet dead and buried. Sleeping on couches, a night here, two nights there, starting in September. He was, frankly, stupid enough to take his life in his hands -- like a cape in front of a bull. It’s the death threats, you see, and the several sentences of death. From a very very very credible source. Sources. That have a stellar track record of success in such matters -- lots of practice. They have no real opposition at all, you see, just talk, nicetalk, about “getting along.” That’s from the, uh, “opposition”.

Robert Redeker’s home address, and thoughtfully-included maps to his home, have been published on websites of a certain ideological bent. French police have released from custody one of the life-threateners.

Who? Who so threatens M Redeker?

Please.

Redeker, you see, wrote an op-ed for Le Figaro, condemning Islamist suppression through terror of the free expression of ideas in the West. He wrote, "today Islam tries to put its leaden mantel all over the world. ...the enemies of the 'Free World,' the zealous bureaucrats of the Koran's vision, who swarm in the very center of the 'Free World,' should be called by their true name." The ironic result of his views, we have just outlined.

In reaction to the implication that Islam does not cherish freedom, Tunesia, Egypt and other Moslem nations have banned Le Figaro. The editor of that periodical, Pierre Rousselin, responded by apologizing to Islam via Al-Jazeera for publishing Redeker’s article, calling it "shameful" and "Islamophobic" -- that is, the article was shameful, not the apology … and certainly not Islam.

And so on, ad infinitum atque nauseum.

*****

Question: which of these two pieces is the hoax?

Answer: neither. I added certain elements of surrealism to the first, but the title contains the substance of the hysteria. As for the second, well, haven’t you been paying attention? We're dealing with a vast and boundlessly primative tribe that can use, but cannot manufacture, technology.

It’s a civil war, with only one side fighting.

Intolerable.


J