Places I Deserve to Live

The Absolutely Worst Places to Live in America sounds like a great resource for me. As an appendage of the MainStreamMedia, it will be exactly wrong, so I know it's really talking about paradises. "Cesspool" and "armpit" are actually terms of recommendation, to the e-luminati. Atlantic City? No drivel about roving bands of gay prostitutes will dissuade my ardor! The claim that people have actually been mugged in church will not fool me -- they give themselves away, the fools, by admitting there are churches. What place with churches could be gay? That's just crazy talk. And what's so bad about gay bands anyway? I loved *NSYNC. Hang tough!

Jacksonville, Florida may be the foulest-smelling place in the Western hemisphere, but if you have a sinus infection, it's just what the doctor ordered. Anyway, the claim is risible -- the author has obviously never spent any time in a Tijuana outhouse. As for Camden, New Jersey -- yes, it is the home town of America's first mass murderer. How is this a bad thing? Heritage should be honored. But of course them book eggheads is all so unpatriotic.

I was going to live in Fairbanks. They say, "Take the most horrible place you've ever been, then subtract the sun." A ruse, my pretty little ice vole -- a canny ploy perpetrated by a sinister alliance of the Mango agribusiness and Coppertone -- what, you think Crappertone idn't a craporation? Worse than Exxon, dude. Do you know how dangerous the sun is? Over three point, um, three hundred million people die from sun poisoning every, uh, six months. That's a fact and you can just look it up -- I do my fact checking at doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou outtamyass dot com. Eleven months of darkness is very healthful. Don't you know? -- humans evolved in caves and under the thick impenetrable canopy of steaming jungles -- conditions exactly like Fairbanks. I can't believe how stupid people are. And it has ample downtown dog sled parking. Where else can you say that about? Those rumors about wolf packs hunting down school children are almost all mostly unfounded. It hardly ever happens. Anyway, the bears mostly go for sled dogs.

So why isn't doubleyou doubleyou doubleyou really sextupleyou? Tee hee! -- did you notice? SEXtuple!!! Like in SEX, git it?!?! That's so hot, and funny too. Sex is funny. People look funny when they have sex. And did you ever notice how people have ears on the sides of their heads? Like this weird flap of wrinkled leather just glued on. Heads should be all smooth and round. And what are noses about, this big long wedge in the middle of my face, like it's the most important thing. Here I am, Jack's big honking nose, right out front and center for everyone to look up. It's like a hatchet. Wouldn't it be cool if we had knives and swords and axes sticking out all over our bodies? And why are people so full of holes? Did you ever count how many holes we have? The big ones, I mean, that you can stick a finger into. But that would hurt. Well maybe if someone had really small fingers. Didn't you ever wonder what noses are really for? Smelling?! Come on, that hardly seems likely. Like we're supposed to get a whole bunch of information about the world from a few stray molecules that come drifting up our nostrils. It's so primitive. Like animals. But sex is the same way, with all that licking and sweating and biting, and why does it have to hurt so much? Personally I'd prefer fingers. I don't like it when people see up my nose. I suppose it's better than fingers. Or worse. Did you ever think that without sex, we could always be alone?

That's where I'd like to live. Someplace where I could be alone. Someplace where people don't try to hurt people.



J