Hassan: I do not know, Osama -- you are looking a little ragged.
Osama: What do you mean, "ragged."
Hassan: You know -- a little shaggy.
Osama: "Shaggy"?
Hassan: In the nostril area. It is like you have been living in a cave or something.
Ali: Without a mirror.
Osama: Well, yes, what does this look like to you, the Ritz-Carlton? What is your point?
Hassan: Yes. What I am trying to say is that you look like you have been.
Ali: Living in a cave.
Osama: What should I look like? I wake up every day next to goats. I have been eating Hot Pockets for four years, cold Hot Pockets, and you are worried about some stray hairs coming out of my nose? Sorry, but I missed my mud pack this morning.
Hassan: It just does not look right. A little tweezing might be good. And all this gray, in your beard--
Ali: It makes you look old.
Osama: So what are you trying to say? You are saying I look old?
Hassan: Maybe a little color, a little dye job would be good. Just for the camera you understand.
Osama: What, like paint?
Hassan: Well, shoe polish. Maybe some shoe polish.
Osama: Do we have any shoe polish? Go ask. Ask somebody who has shoes.
Ali: I have some shoe polish. But it is brown though.
Osama: Does my beard look brown to you?
Ali: Well--
Osama: All right then. Shut up. And are there any more little comments about my appearance you would like to make? Perhaps something about how white my teeth are?
Hassan: Osama. Do not be like that. We are just trying to--
Ali: They are pretty yellow.
Osama: I do not believe you people. Here I have been living in this stinking cave for all these years without so much as an ice cube to suck on and you come picking at me because I have some ear hair! Sometimes I just do not know why I bother.
Ali: Nose hair.
Hassan: Osama. Osama. Listen. It is just for the camera. To us you are beautiful. But the camera is so cruel, so harsh. Every little wrinkle--
Ali: It adds ten years.
Osama: So why not get someone else to make these videotapes? Why does it always have to be me? I am an idea man, not some tanned pretty boy, some smooth little fig-picker wiggling his tight little bottom up in a tree.
Hassan: It is just the demographics. We have to appeal to the widest possible audience. Surveys show that females between the ages of 16 and 24 inclusive do not respond well to--
Osama: Just get out. Leave me alone. I am sick to death of the sight of you. I wish I had stayed in Jeddah. I hate my life.
Hassan: But--
Osama: I said get out! Out of my cave!
Hassan: Very well. I will come back later with that shoe polish. Just give it a try. It will be fine.
Osama: Right. Whatever. Just go now.
Ali: And a tweezers.
Osama: Will somebody please shoot him?
J
Monday, May 19, 2008
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1 comment:
Cuz Osama is back in the nuse. That's Osama. S.
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