Cheap

I was just going to ignore it, but what’s my blog for, if not to vent? I did embarrass myself today, with a petty bit of badinage between myself and another fella. I’m just out of practice with that high school stuff, and my judgment is off. No need for the details. Really puerile. I don’t feel bad about my silly random outbursts -- that’s just meaningless foolishness, especially when I’m running on days and days of just three hours of sleep nightly. But when I engage with someone, I’d like it to be meaningful.

As I say, I wouldn't soil these solemn pages with such trivialities, except that I've managed to find an insight, that makes this worthwhile. I noticed a pattern in myself. When I think someone has crossed a line, I immediately get nasty. I go for the throat, as it were. Not necessarily as someone else would see it, although I’d expect so. As I see it. There are things that are off limits. He wouldn't even be aware of how he crossed the line. His rudeness would have been generic. It's immaterial. That's the risk of being self-absorbed. When someone does transgress such a limit, under such adolescent circumstances, I sort of throw out the rules. I still have a semblance of self-control, but the cascade of inappropriate retorts pours through my mind, and it’s a little ugly.

Everyone has their go-to defense/attacks. I’m so smart. I’m so successful. I get a lot of women. My penis is so big, and yours is small. It’s all so predictable. Tiresome. As soon as I said "inches" I knew what might come -- I just didn't quite believe it would. For my part, I like my insults to be true. I don’t know how large someone’s penis is. I don’t see the relevance. One of the ways I embarrassed myself was to play into it, though. I wish I’d just kept my mouth shut. But I was in my high school place. What a nightmare. That’s what I mean when I say I’m out of practice. If I’d taken a moment, I would have been an adult. But I do have an ego. It knocks 95 points off my IQ, and I become technically retarded.

Ah well. Somebody there reads this blog. I've been hearing the term p-hole thrown about. A lot. God. I hope the idiots got the context right. I expect not. I don't advertise this little effort, because I don't want to have to provide exegesis. I am an artist, idiots. Work with me. But somebody does read it. So let me exploit the opportunity in a way that my reserve would generally forbid, in person. I apparently offended the dude by calling him a pussy. I didn't call him a pussy. If I had, I'd have looked at him and said, You are a pussy. I'm sure I must have used the term, probably about a group he was standing in. All loitering, not rolling. They come to gossip, apparently. He took it personally? That's on him. I was being a fool. Only fools take fools seriously. Haven't we been through this? Was it the "If we don't, what're you going to do about it?" "I guess I'll have to start calling people out -- unless they're pussies"? Again, that would be on him.

No, I do not think he's a pussy. I think he has courage. He's a smaller guy who has resolved not to let the world push him around. That's honorable, and I respect that in him. I do think he's shamefully rude, and extraordinarily vulgar, and immature, and both arrogant and insecure. He's the only one of the lot who has a real reason not to roll with me, though. I'd like to roll with him, but the size difference is just ridiculous -- not weight -- he rolls with heavier guys than me -- but length. I'd like to roll with him because I'd learn a lot from it. He'd beat me, and I expect I'd beat him too. That's fine. No ego from me about that. But he has a good excuse, and there's no shame on him for it. Maturity level, a problem. Courage, admirable. Not a pussy. A bitch. Got that? Report it to him correctly. You didn't get it right for K. Asshole.

The good news is that I rolled with a fella three times, and he choked me out twice. Yes, that’s good. I’m not being retarded. It’s good because I’m trying something new, that’s not working, and he’s passing my guard and choking me, but I’m trying something new. That’s good. I do have an ego, as already discussed, but my rolling ego is totally adult, and when it wakes up I just get competitive. That’s good. I’m very pleased. My ego may make me not try that chancy move, at least not every time, but my character will make sure I do it as much as I dare. So I can still respect myself.

With rolling, there shouldn’t be any hurt feelings. Some guys roll with emotion. One in particular, I’m thinking of. Can you guess who? He’ll outgrow it. You win, you lose. Part of the game. But with conversation, it shouldn’t be about competing. There are still rules, though. There are things you don’t do, don’t say. As with rolling, it shouldn’t be about emotion. When it gets to that place, well, a line has been crossed. I think of it as cheating. If I were to roll with a dirty fighter, I might get really mean. Same deal with talking. But it makes me feel cheap.

I roll more than I talk nowadays, so I’m better at it. There's an insight in there somewhere. Wish I could see it. Maybe I'm still retarded.


J