Up Date

Just a little update on my very private info. Well, not so private anymore, since I'm poised to achieve the fame I have always so ripely deserved. Remember my ambition to become a celebrity spokesmodel for something French? Under the name of Jack Arousal? I've been sending postcards out all over the place trying to MAKE THIS HAPPEN!!!

Well you'll never guess how it's working out. Remember how I said I was working part time as a parking lot attendant? Of course it's beneath me, but I'm very humble. Anyways, right across the alleyway there's this black dude with a French accent, who wants to launch a website featuring pictures and videos of yours truly, modeling exotic undergarments and swim wear and various ointments! I am so up for that! Gives me a chance to show the world how beautiful I am with my body. I do have to do a little lying about my age -- he thinks I'm 29, which even so may be a little old, but I think of it as artistic license.

Mostly it's me in the shower, rubbing myself with emollients. He said I was too hairy, so I've shaved myself bone smooth. A few nicks and gashes here and there, since I couldn't find my old straight razor and tried to use a pruning sheers, but of course that didn't work. What was I thinking. So crazy. LOL. So I burned it off with a bic lighter. I felt kind of scratchy at first, and there are a few bright red spots, but no charring. Later he told me he didn't mean my eyebrows and stuff, but never mind -- I've drawn them back on with a red sharpee marker pen. Very exotic and attractive. Sort of a hyper arched Cupid's bow, more like a couple of n's, or the McDonald's Arches, and I have to admit I placed them just a teenie bit high on my forehead, actually touching my hairline -- it was hard to judge, since I'd shaved my head too, well most of it, but I think it's a look that really works. The start of a new fad.

Anyway, Mustaffa -- he's Nigerian, which is sort of French, according to Wikipedia -- has this whole movie or maybe DVD studio set up in his basement, and I don't want to say how much I get paid for each of these shower vignettes as he calls them -- it's a series he calls Shower Shower, get it? -- but let's just say that I'll be getting my collection of vintage action figures out of the pawn shop thank you very much. The older they get, the more valuable, so it was a good thing, really. And I had attorney's fees to pay. Took me 11 years, but I did it. Who would have thought it was against the law to live in other people's attics while they were away on vacation or at work or downstairs? Where's the harm? But ever since that Underdog movie came out, these action figures have skyrocketed in value. I'm pretty sure they have. Top Cat is retrocool. Never go out of style. Like wingtip shoes or narrow ties.

So I think the product is one of these lotions I'm always rubbing on myself all over. Mustaffa is dubbing the sound in, so he's always shouting directions at me, and it's a little hard to concentrate on the artistic process, but sometimes mostly I get into the zone and just rub rub rub, and I'm sure the product is very beneficial. I have a sort of rash now, all inside my thighs, but that may be from all the rubbing rather than the product. There's a sort of acid smell all the time, and something that reminds me of wet hallway carpet. Must be an allergy. Didn't know I had any.

Anyways, isn't that all great news? I am so jazzed. Next week he's talking about having Francis, whoever she is, give me a rubdown. Blindfolded. Don't know what that's about -- something to do with symbolism I suppose. Don't know why they need rubber sheets though. Maybe I misheard. So I just wanted to say that you may be seeing me on your local cable station, maybe an infomercial or something. The product is called duralube. Maybe I'm wrong -- isn't that a motor oil or something? I know it has lube in it. I'll look next time. After these blisters clear up. I'll keep in touch. Bye!


JA