and the Stars

Sun Myung Moon. Sun and Moon together, embodied in one flesh like the offspring of celestial and therefore divine beings. And so he would have it. You're too young to remember the Moonies -- adherents to the WorldWide Unification Church ... the Doubleyou Doubleyou Singleyou See, I guess. It seems, basically, to be a personality slash fertility cult. Doctrinal specifics aside, the reverend Moon -- or is it rev Sun? -- counts himself as the Messiah, Son of God, Returned Jesus, Savior of Humanity. Considering that he's 89 years old, he'd best get started saving us. He's doing a piss-poor job so far. I say "piss" because of the rev's theological insights into body fluids.

One fun fact is that his son, Heung Jin Moon died after a 1983 car crash. That's not the fun fact though. What's fun is that Heung is officially counted as the "king of the spirits" in heaven, where he conducts self-improvement seminars. Great gig if you can get it. Here on earth Heung makes his appearance since 1987 by permanently channeling himself through The Black Heung-Jin Nim, a Zimbabwean congregant. The black Moon, if such we shall call him, tours the world preaching, collecting mistresses, beating disciples, handcuffing them to radiators with golden shackles, knocking their heads together, and pummeling them with baseball bats. These troublesome sinners -- what's a divinity to do with them? The rev Moon is reported to "laugh raucously" at news of an especially hard blow to someone who had fallen from his favor.

Moon himself united with Louis Farrakhan in 2000 to sponsor the considerably-less-than Million Family March. Attentive readers will recall that, per Nation of Islam doctrine, Asians are black. Dang -- white man can't get no love.

But funnest of all is that a US Congressperson, Danny K Davis -- not to be confused with the comedic film star popular in the 1950s -- (D, Ill), acted as pageboy at the March 23, 2004 crowning of the rev Moon as King of Peace. Rep. Davis wore white gloves like a cartoon minstrel coon, Mr Bones, say, and carried the resplendent crown on a velvet pillow. The coronation took place in a US Senate office building, before a large crowd which included at least a dozen members of Congress (and perhaps as many as 81, most of whom however claimed to have been broadsided by the gala's true intent). The ceremony was the capstone to Moon's nationwide Moonification "Tear Down the Cross" crusade, urging the removal from public display of all crosses, specifically in poor neighborhoods -- the Cross being a symbol of disunity, and thus a stumbling block to peace.

Upon his investiture, Moon pronounced that he had been sent to earth to save the world's six billion people. According to a vision claimed by Moon, Hitler and Stalin, saved by the cult leader, take pains to assure the world that "Emperors, kings and presidents ... have declared to all Heaven and Earth that Reverend Sun Myung Moon is none other than humanity's Savior, Messiah, Returning Lord and True Parent." Stalin must be the emperor in question, and Teddy Roosevelt would be one of the presidents. Moonie cleric CH Kwak stated that "the crowning means America is saying to Father, 'Please become my king'." A Moonie organ declared that the coronation "cured God's pain."

That which you can see with your eyes. Strong lefty bias, but it's unsubtle. Was that "coon" comment racist?


J