Some Old News

Glamorous metrosexual romance novel cover model Fabio describes himself as a "testosterone machine" who "used the fashion industry" but "never let them use" him. Despite his lovely hair, he's not at all gay. "Oh my God, I was going through [female] models like crazy." Nowadays, at age 48, he claims to date mostly would-be actresses. "They're always complaining about their work ... this casting or this part they are hoping to get, and I have to say, 'Come on, you're a fucking waitress.' I don't say that, but I think that, you know, because I'm a gentleman."

On a related note, Vladimir Putin, President of the Russian Confederation, has made a Judo instructional DVD. Partnered with World and Olympic Judo Champion Yasuhiro Yamashita, the video will be released in February. Putin has been a black belt in Judo since his college days, and his physical fitness is a significant component in his massive popularity among Russians. He is on record as stating that his favorite president is FDR, whom he uses as a role model; FDR, of course, was untroubled by constitutional niceties, as exemplified by his mass internment of American citizens and his attempts to pack the Supreme Court. On a related note, bill clinton appears to have perfected his salute, which appears to give him a powerful if oddly positioned erection.

Netherlander Yvo de Boer, chairman of the UN Climate Conference in Bali, broke down into tears at the podium when the Chinese delegate launched into a tirade accusing him of excluding the Chinese from a meeting. A vote was then suggested to change the chairman's title to "chairperson". Summing up his experience later, de Boer described the conference as "long". He was seated behind a decorative plant displaying large yellow balls -- his testicles, surprising only in their size, which is explained by the fact that they were empty, mostly. On a related note, iguanas have been observed falling from trees in southern Florida due to a cold snap. The coldblooded creatures just shut down and lose their grip.

The skin of 57 year old Paul Karason of Madera, California, has turned entirely blue. The condition is known as argyria, and is the result of Karason's 14 year use of colloidal silver as a tonic. Karason did not notice the change until it was quite pronounced. He continues to use the product. On a related note, "the equivalent of a quarter to half a teaspoon of cinnamon given to humans twice a day decreased risk factors for diabetes and cardiovascular disease, including glucose, cholesterol and triglycerides, by 10 to 30 percent. ... As an anti-inflammatory agent, cinnamon may be useful in preventing or mitigating arthritis as well as cardiovascular disease. ...cinnamon's ability to block inflammation and enhance insulin function may make it useful in combating [Alzheimer's] as well."

Florida lawmakers are contemplating bumping bestiality up to first-class felony status, after the "rape" and "murder" of "Meg", a pregnant goat. The maximum penalty will be 30 years imprisonment for anyone having sexual contact with an animal. On a related note, German officials are horrified at the disappearance of two polar bear cubs from the Nuremberg Zoo. The cubs seem to have been eaten by their mother.

After severely injuring himself by plummeting off a 40-foot wall while escaping from the Pueblo County jail, Scott Gomez Jr is suing the state of Colorado. He bases his complaint on the claim that guards should have done more to prevent him from the attempt. His suit states that guards "did next to nothing to ensure that the jail was secure and that the plaintiff could not escape." On a related note, Utah inmate Michael Polk has sued for the right to practice the Asatru faith, based on the worship of ancient Norse gods. The felon claims that to fully exercise his constitutional right, he requires a wood and boar-skin drum, a mead horn for quaffing wassail, a rune staff and Thor's hammer.

Accused dirty-bomber and convicted felon Jose Padilla -- whose chosen name is Abdullah al-Muhajir -- is suing an administration lawyer for his opinion that harsh treatment of accused terrorists is legally permissible. Padilla is appealing his 17-year conviction, as is the Justice Department -- the former claiming the sentence is too harsh, the latter that it is too lenient. On a related note, one-third of moslem Arabs are illiterate. Of these 100 million, seventy-five percent are between 21 and 45 years of age. Half of all Arab women are illiterate.

The recent corrupt election in Kenya -- after which election commissioners failed to turn in their tallies, turning off their cell phones and making themselves unavailable for up to 36 hours -- has provided an excuse for tribal violence to erupt. The Luos, rivals to the Kikuyu tribe of President Kibaki, have taken to randomly murdering women and children. In once instance, up to 50 Kikuyu men, women and children were locked inside a church which was then burned to the ground. On a related note, Liberian warlord Gen. Butt Naked has apologized to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission for his actions during the long civil war, which lasted from 1989 to 2003. Butt Naked, whose birth name is Joshua Milton Blahyi, received his moniker from his custom of wearing only army boots when he and his drug-addicted troops ran into villages where they would slaughter all the children and eat their hearts; the troops were renowned for using severed heads as soccer balls and for sacrificing children before every battle to receive magical protection. In all, they killed 20,000 villagers. "Every time I tell people my story," says the former general, "I feel relieved." Mr. Naked now lives in Ghana, where he works as a Christian minister.

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