Measuring Up

Shall I let another day of silence roll by? I decline my noble head slightly in momentary consideration, then agree to condescend, yet again, to share of the bounty of my genius. It's not that I had to think about it. I know all the answers already. But one must steel oneself. Futility is so draining.

I could speak of my masculine beauty, and you would be edified. Truth does that. How tiresome it is for me, the weight of your desire upon my modesty. All I shall say is that no man's performance could match the expectation created by my beauty. The artist understands this, and implants some slight imperfection in his masterpiece. Thus we find sublime harmony, made possible by imperceptible flaws, the significance of which is that of shadow to light -- only thus may we see.

Damn I'm good. You think writing that crap is easy? Well, yes, for me ... I mean for average people.

I'm getting a bit more organized with the workouts. Keeping neater records, by which patterns may be discerned. Trying to find a relationship between workload and recovery, between power and perceived effort and difficulty. Metrics, dude -- metrics. What is slightly disturbing to me is that I don't think my performance is consonant with my appearance. I look stronger than I am. It feels vaguely dishonest.

I had a brief conversation about being a father. We're hardly ever empowered to say it out loud, but my own father wasn't actually very good at it. He forbade whole classes of emotion. He didn't tolerate a healthy emotional reaction. Well, there will always be an emotional reaction. It's just a matter of whether it's healthy. Don't be sad. Don't be angry. Don't have any emotion judged to be negative. Don't use the toilet. Don't breathe. Well there it is. I had a brother I had the misfortune of sharing a room with. I say "sharing" as a convention of speech. He would say, hiss, command, "Don't breathe!" He didn't want to hear me breathe.

I've gotten through most of October without any serious depression. November was poisonous, last year. I must be watchful. I'm not busy enough right now. I need a project.

I've been thinking about what I said, about how all my loyalty points outward. That's a sad thing to say. I say many wise and sad things here. In business, a partnership requires not just loyalty, but some indispensable talent or skill. Anything else is just an employee, whose position should be indispensable, but any qualified person can fill it. That's business. The personal is not necessarily different, but it's muddier. Emotions will do that. All the plans we lay, confounded by a feeling, as by chance. It's like being a father. An indispensable role, requiring loyalty and skill. Families are partnerships. Or should be.

For years I've thought to myself, if I had a business with employees, would I hire him -- someone I've met or gotten to know a bit. Almost always the answer is no.


J