Fire

A failed workout tonight. A racing heart. Always freaks me out a little. Stopped early. A failure. Failure. Failure. One of the words from my childhood. It was a theme with my father. Why did he feel the need to lecture on the topic? I don't know. Phonies, Hollywood phonies, he talked a lot about, and was one. Failures too. Didn't talk so much about health, or even fitness as I understand the term. The appearance of both. He was after all a bodybuilder. Lot's on about how good milk was. And being, or looking, strong. At least he didn't drink.

So I'm feeling insecure and depressed. Very tired, very weak. At such times it's easy to listen to distant voices, drawn near because the walls are down.

I had cause tonight to consider my place in society. It's a little troublesome. I have a profound distrust of authority figures. Government, banks, officials. It's just that I do know there is no justice, and only integrity holds a society together. A healthy society. Like a crime victim. The police can only do what they can do. Never more. Like lawyers. You want them to fight, to value your cause, to stand by their contract to secure your rights. But that's idealism, and integrity, and corruption is the end of every story. So pardon me if I'm dark sometimes. Show me where I'm wrong and I'll believe you. I'm right.

Can you trust marriage? An arbitrary institution, dissolved like salt in water, on a whim. I don't love you anymore. So much for vows. I won't abandon you. But they do. Employers will cut you off at the bottom line. God will let you get sick. He'll let you die, or those you love. This is a world so completely corrupt that it can never be cleansed. Literally. It will be destroyed by fire, and remade. How corrupt is that? Some things can never be destroyed, and burn forever. Everything else burns and is remade, or abandoned.

Yes, I'm dark. But I am resolved to be honest with those I have dealings. Light, perhaps, to the darkness. And loyal to those who give friendship. And I will feel love if not give it, to those who are kind. It's certainly not because I'm good. But I am a philosopher, after my fashion, and I have to find meaning. So, yes, everything is relative. With the relativity of fire. We find meaning in clouds, and in flames.

I'm so ruined. I need to be useful. It's not that I'm generous. It's just that there's so much need, and hardly anything does any good. So give what there's a need for. Start with kindness.


J