Newscycle

All day long, and for the next few weeks no doubt, the responsible news media have been reminding us to think about Tiger Woods' penis. And the vaginas of at least three women. This is very interesting and newsworthy, the fact that he had a crash with a tree after a fight with his wife about the intercourse, penis to vagina, he has engaged in with other vaginas than that of his wife but occurring while Woods was technically married. All these details come to us via the airwaves and other media, so that we will be aware of important events in the world.

Likewise, the news is full of the very interesting fact that a soirée at the White House had two guests in attendance present without invitations.There's going to be a Congressional investigation into the matter. Congressional subpoenas will be issued to Executive staff, and contested due to Executive privilege. It's a Constitutional crisis, almost. Governments fall over such matters. Lucky for us we don't have a parliamentary system.

And Obama made yet another brilliant speech. Did he make it, or give it? It was so good and eloquent. About how we're going to surge into Afghanistan and then start to leave in 18 months. So the enemy has fair warning. You will be defeated within 18 months. Get your affairs in order, for the first week of June 2011 shall be the day of final reckoning, and another 18 months after that, Dec of 2012, the world itself ends. It's good to warn your enemies about things like this. The Bible is full of that sort of thing, warnings to evil-doers, and prophecies and stuff.

Oh, and Phil Spector was out of prison for the day getting his teeth cleaned in Burbank. If you can pay for security, you get to keep your own doctor when you're in prison. It's an inalienable right. Like welfare in Cali, or free education for foreign nationals -- and welfare for them too, and healthcare. It's good to be compassionate and liberal like that, taking care of the planet and all the living things and the climate. Since property is theft, money must be, um, adultery. Except there's no such thing, that's just a patriarchal conspiracy left over from when sex was bad and only for one man and one woman, or something like that. Now sex is good, as Tiger Woods' penis will agree. I think that's my point.

Oh, Tiger, you are so good looking and rich. You married a woman who looks exactly like I did when I was a boy. She is so hot. Those Swedes. I'm a Dane. Same difference, really. We're very hairy, and have long penises. No, I mean long noses. And very blond. She still has white hair. I had white hair. They called me a towhead, which I didn't understand and found insulting.

J