Blog Entry

Yes, I have neglected you. Get used to it. I'm growing tired of my responsibilities. So? Did I make any promises? And even if I did, why should I keep them. The difference between righteousness and neurosis is negligible. I'm just tired of being uptight.

So my father thought it would be a very wise thing to write me one of his soulful letters. Truth be told, I don't read them. Manipulative self-pitying shit. Same noise for my whole lifetime. I get it. He's stuck. Interesting story, the first few dozen times you hear it. But never anything new. Wisdom adds to itself. But that's not it. Not the same old woe is me story, with the added angst now of I'm old. It's the other thing.

I skimmed it, lightly, knowing what it would be, and not wrong. Then he gets to it. I won't quote. Did transcribe it, but fuck. He tells me that I'm angry, so angry, all the time, and so impatient. He's afraid of me. Etc. Well, yes, I'm angry now. But with him it's projection. I'm QUIET, because I don't want to argue, or be sucked into his madness, or hear him dogmatically pronounce how I'm wrong and he's right and here's the same 1950s reason why. Quiet apparently is the same as angry. I'm impatient, apparently, because I suggested, stupidly, that he might change his behavior in such and such a way.

Well, it could go on, and on and on, my patricidal philippic. I actually can stand to be around him, with his blindness and general toxicity. It's just that I do not want to be his victim. So, what? Respond?

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Sir --

I was disappointed by your letter of the 15th. You've told me before that you were afraid of me, and you've called me impatient and angry and so on. I had forgotten. You must not be aware that the effect of such words is likely to create bad feeling, rather than good.

I would suggest you show the letter you sent me to your psychologist, and ask for feedback. I would be willing to meet with him or her, and you, to look at the communication problems that are apparent.

It isn't meaningful to talk a lot about how much you have begged for forgiveness, if there is no change of behavior. First, you have never asked for forgiveness, of me, let alone begged. Second, you have never mentioned any specific thing that needs forgiving. So there's an issue of truth, and of awareness, that goes far beyond the empty form of words. I do believe your sincerity when you use insulting or degrading words about me. I do not believe the words tailored to sound positive. Yes, I am negative in this outlook. If I'm wrong, only experience will convince me. I have a lifelong aversion to being manipulated.

That you have tried to establish a relationship with me, through these drives to appointments, is understandable. The need for connections is only human. I will continue to be available when you need help. I would appreciate not receiving letters from you that have personal content. They cannot achieve the effect you must want. They communicate to me a profound disrespect from you, regardless of your intent. No matter your true opinion, I have not earned disrespect.

With regards,

J

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No, I won't send it. Just more noise, more fucking shit, if I may be honest. My little fictive missive? Oh, it's honest, as far as it goes. The fiction is that it would do any good. You will notice how I've excised almost all the emotional content. I couldn't resist the "a lot" or the "far beyond", and words like "tailored" and "manipulated" are loaded, regardless of how accurate. But I didn't' say "very disappointed". In fact, there was no emotional honesty at all in the thing. Emotion is poisonous, in such cases. My emotion is that I will feel sad and guilty when he dies, but hurry up.

No, it's not hopeless. Lightning strikes all the time. And may even bring Frankenstein monsters to life. Isn't this a reason for hope?

J