The Facts as They Stand

WASHINGTON DC, May 5 (FP) -- Authorities are confident that they have captured the Times Square Bomber. Based on security camera images, all major media outlets have announced that the suspect was a "white male." Said MSNBC luminary Keith Olbermann, "Pictures don't lie. Clearly white and male. Maybe Jewish. Jews are white, right? And male, because what woman would dress like that?"

CNN's Anderson Cooper, citing reliable inside sources, reported that the perpetrator was "blond probably, no doubt Christian, a rightwing fundamentalist along the lines of Timothy McVeigh or Ted Kaczynski. There is no need to look outside this suspect pool. What, we should be racists? Stupid rightwing homophobes. Is this mike hot?"

Attorney General Eric Himpton Holder confirms that the suspect, identified as Faisal Shahzad of Connecticut, is "more than likely a Baptist lay preacher or some sort of snake handler. And definitely white. You can tell by the ear piece. Definitely a white thing. It makes them feel important. They're all bigots. Yeah, that's a joke. Right."

Pointing to the photo, Holder said, "You can just so see how white this guy is. So white. I mean look at that, the lower part of his face, but not the beard part. Very light. I don't mean light-skinned, like President Obama or even me, high yellow. I mean white. Honky white. The Man. But we have overcome. There's no stopping us now. Four hundred years of oppression and it's payback time motherfurker. You guys will edit this out later, right?"

Bill Maher, host of the wildly popular HBO talk show ... the name of which there is no need to repeat since it is so well-known, said, "These white males just love their bombs. Like George Bush does, because he has a little dick. And remember when Cheney shot that dude? His dick is so little. It's like this, the first knuckle of my pinkie. No, my pinkie toe. Yeah, that's what his dick is like I bet. All soft and hairless. I wonder if he's circumcised. I bet it bends to the right, with a twist though, like a licorice stick. And his nut sack hanging down like a bag of heirloom tomatoes, all pink and wrinkled, I can just see it. We should call him pinkie. Man. Makes me ... God."

Maher, although he never actually appears in public, instead presenting himself solely as a cleverly operated puppet,

is the voice of reason and responsibility, so that proves that Bush lied. And Olbermann is also very smart. Like Rosie O'Donnell. And Joyce Behar.

So that's all there is to say about that. Nine Eleven was an inside job. Steel does not melt. You sheeple are pitiful.

J