One-Eyed Jack

When I have a disagreement with someone, I don't notice it for a while, no big deal. Then later I think, now they will try to destroy me. And I look to see if my position is secure -- anticipate their attacks ... broken windows, stones thrown at the back of my head, slashed tires. That sort of thing. Or betrayals, vicious things, just to get even, get revenge. It's an attitude I have that's prudent but not rational. Not everyone is a monster. I just expect that they can become monsters. The phases of the moon might have such an effect. Because I am rational. It's the world, and its population, that isn't.

After all, I was married, and then betrayed. I had a family, expanded, foster kids, and I was betrayed. The distinction between thoughtless and vicious is negligible. Or maybe it's me that's the problem, my earnestness, my need for absolutes, and integrity, and honor. I remember joking with my wife, that she was mine, and I'd never let her go. And I laughed. And I didn't understand her expression. We had, you see, incompatible senses of humor. Because she let me go. Is that a betrayal? To me, yes -- because I mean what I say. Except of course when I'm joking. Love, springing from a generosity of spirit, should have been able to discern the difference. Chalk it up to communication problems. Pronoun trouble.

Friday I found I had some extra money, and went to a restaurant and had a vegan pizza. Do that once every year or two. Luxurious. Made a little joke a few weeks ago: "So you're telling me you actually go out to some other place, you drive there, and eat? In public?" Like it was unthinkable and obscene. I get a kick out of myself.

And today it snowed in my suburb of LA. An inch of snow on the car. I came out and said to myself, "You gotta be kidding me." Took a plastic lid of something or other and scrapped off the windshield. Been about ten years since I've been to the snow. Back when I had sons.

I am subject to depression, to melancholy, but I'm not often insecure. But I'm feeling insecure. It's not a matter of whether or not I'm up to such and such a job. It's, is what I do what other people want.

I did some stuff with a bunch of kids today, sort of a teaching situation with bjj. It's been a long time. I've aged quite a bit, in that I'm not as good at seeming ungrumpy. I have little patience for silly six-year-old disruptive attention-seeking behavior. But I kind of found myself thrown into the situation, with no time to prepare. Gotta prepare. I hate to fake it. Like Obama, just talking until you think of what to do. It's good to think on your feet. But how about thinking ahead of time too? An issue of integrity.

We learn by seeing other people do it. I learned to teach, in the classroom setting, by seeing good teachers teach, and copying them. Teaching is about organization, management, presentation. The classroom, the class, and the teacher. Calm rather than chaos. Lines rather than crowds. Simple instead of complex. For kids, define the terms. Most of them don't know what "pivot" or "guard" or "post" means. Say, then show, then do. Use colorful and easy-to-remember examples. Analogies they can understand. This thing is like that thing. Simple verbal formulas. Larger than life. The point is, be memorable. That's called teaching, if what is remembered is worthy of the effort.

I think I used to be a good teacher. As for bjj, I've forgotten so much that I'd just be faking it. It's a little discouraging. More than a little, frankly.

As for my lower back, thank you for asking, I find I take more than five days now to heal. Hope it's only a muscle, and not a disc. Took the whole week off from training. Not that I'm actually training. Toward some goal. Don't judge me. When you're my age and can do half what I do, then you'll have a right to voice an opinion about me. In a little squeaky piping voice, peep peep.

Which brings me again to the real topic, my penis. I've decided to call it my one-eyed jack.

J