Dear Will Smith --

When Jada Pinkett Smith washes her face, how does she know where to stop? 

Can Jada Pinkett Smith see Aunty Em whenever she wants? Poppies ... poppies. 

How many Jada Pinkett Smiths does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

What's the difference between Jada Pinkett Smith and a rotisserie oven?

Sir, you took a bland joke about a fashion choice, and intensified it to make your wife an eternal punchline. Like the Dixie Chicks. Like Latoya Jackson. Like Monica Lewinsky. Well, no -- Jada Pinkett Smith will be a slapline. Giddit?  

It is appropriate and manly for a husband to defend his wife. Clearly, your wife's feelings were hurt -- her fashion choice involved a health element. She did not expect to be singled out as an object of humor -- only of glamor. But you could have defended her with a shout from your seat -- "Not cool, Chris", or somesuch; this would have been the first level of aggression -- verbal. You could have rushed the stage as you did, and whispered an admonition into his ear; a dramatic and perhaps riveting gesture (the second level, of physical intimidation). You could have taken the mike, if there was one, and made a speech about gentlemanly deportment.  You could have taken him by the lapel (third level, physical contact). You chose assault. "Bitchslap" in this case refers to the slapper.

Reportedly you have an "open" marriage. A public stance of chivalry, then, hangs limp. You have further soiled our already depraved culture. Assault against free speech has been further legitimized, to the already triggered-happy, cry-bully stormfront of the re-educational elite. The cowards and moral idiots attending the gala did not have the decency to boo you out of the auditorium. 

If it weren't Chris Rock, but The Rock, Dwayne Johnson who made the joke, you would have made no assault.  So it's a tradeoff: on the one hand, the left, you are a bully -- the worst thing it's possible to be; on the other hand, also the left, you are a coward -- the best and mandatory thing to be, of those who identify as binary.

Your penance is to donate the entirety of your earnings from your film to one or more charities of Chris Rock's choosing. I doubt that you have the emotional maturity to make a truly sincere, non-press-agent authored, apology. I hope I'm wrong about that. 

But the most important thing.  Chris Rock was the perfect professional.  He is exemplary.

J