Unspent

I used to be strong. Certain and focused and unrelenting. Willing to suffer for a sufficient purpose. 

Now I cower in my soul and just want to be left alone. I have grown unspeakably selfish. 

Once upon a time there was some turmoil in my household. A friend, a pastor, reminded me of a truth I have always known. A father takes the blows. Yes. 

Once long ago when I was a white or a blue belt, I went to roll. Didn't get enough. Nothing like enough. Seemed like it finished early. Nobody to roll with me. So I was angry and frustrated.  It's one of the times I was reminded that it's possible to be depressed even while you roll. Unbelievable.  It's not like I had all the energy in the world, but I had to go running after. Run hard. But running was not enough. None of it is. 

Have I said it before? -- that I'd be dead now if I hadn't started running? I'd have found a way. Something noble of course ... that's just how I am, so very noble. Nobility -- it is my curse. Who is there more noble than I? Not possible to exceed my nobleness, that's what I say. Saving a little flop-eared puppy from a burning building maybe. Something like that. I'd have a good excuse. God would never know. Oh Jack! -- He'd say. You tried to save that little floppy eared puppy from that burning building! Well done, good and faithful servant! And in my secret heart I would finally breathe easy. My really secret heart, that even God doesn't know about. Just you. 

Once long ago, before I was a blue belt, or even a white belt, I had thousands and thousands of dollars worth of uncashed, stale checks sitting in my desk, from years before that. What the hell was my problem. 

 J