Dust

Well, that's about enough of that.  Balloons.  We can only hope it's out of my system.  But I did get into it, these past three photo-essays, one two three.  I like doing those.  And believe it or not, I've gone back and made some quite interesting additions.  People wouldn't notice -- but I do.  (I do expect many of the pictures to be copyrighted; I am exercising the legal principle of "fair use".)

Obviously I've been watching Fox.  Online, without commercials, at double speed.  So it doesn't take long.  It is my news funnel, one-sided of course, but I'd have to say the right side.  Of course it's biased.  I'm fine with that.  It's bigotry that's the problem -- I'll argue no matter what the evidence is. 

You may have discerned that I am a student of history. My BA. Wide-ranging interests, but Greek-Roman and US history most specifically.  Renaissance Italy.  Chinese. Ancient (which is pre Classical, which is Greek and Roman). Some very interesting "new" understandings of pre-Columbian history, nowadays -- or rather, mostly, archeology.  Well, I guess almost all history is interesting.  Social and economic and military history not so much -- important in its way, but not moving.  Details like the effect of the English longbow at Agincourt, or the role of silver in the Spanish empire, or, or ... well there's nothing interesting in social history -- but details are valuable in their capacity to explain. 

And psychology is interesting -- my MSci ... and logic (but once you've learned that it's just application).  Philosophy bores me, except that it's part of our cultural heritage and necessary to a classically liberal education.  But what Hume or Descartes made up about what they think reality is like, well, it's made up.  I like the way Samuel Johnson refuted Bishop Berkeley, who imagined that nothing was real. Bishop Berkley was a 'buddhist', which is a 'christian' Hindoo.  All is illusion, maya.  Johnson kicked a stone -- "I refute him thus!"  

Perfect.  Empirical evidence.  It's not superficial or a misunderstanding.  It's Alexander cutting the Gordian knot.  Get to it.  Everything is always more complicated.  But God is love.  And, God so love world that he gave his only begotten son.  And, you are saved by grace through faith unto good works.  And, rejoice always.  And, Jesus wept.  Worlds are contained in these, and they are over-simple.

I've had a biz association with someone who has some significant emotional difficulties.  I've terminated that relationship, and I'm being cheated -- bluntly, robbed.  A few thousand dollars.  I'd have liked the chance to offer it as a gift, a wedding gift.  But part of the illness is a refusal, now, to communicate at all with me.  It was a scenario I accounted for.  But I'd wished for something healthier.  I'd suppose he's projected some nastiness onto me.  Father issues or whatever.  

The situation was quite abusive.  Unprofessional, demanding, inconsistent, egregious double standard -- threats and ultimatums -- with a refusal to discuss issues face to face.  Texting only.  So, toxic.  It was a workspace sublet situation, and the place was left in, let's call it an unhygienic condition on a daily basis. There was a spy camera -- yes, in this case not a balloon.  I won't go into how I figured it out -- went looking, which I'm not good at, and sure enough, a spy camera.  Well, I have nothing to hide.  But it was a betrayal -- creepy and sad.  

I put up with the weirdness because of obligations and commitments to third parties.  But Monday morning a couple of weeks ago I got a text -- Hey Jack!  I had a repair on the door and so I had the guy change the locks!  I'll take care of the key from now on!  

Given a situation of zero trust, I really had no choice.  So I made other arrangements.  I didn't give any warning at all.  Bugged out in an hour, last Saturday afternoon.  Then I sent a text, saying I wanted to have a face to face conversation.  Sat and waited.  I had some reason to believe he was immediately available -- but no reply.  A few hours later a response, and I said I'd send an email.  Laid it all out.  

It's overwhelmingly likely that he never read my several but few emails.  And I have yet another, and final, email written for him.  It's pure business, my sort of commonsense and (if you'll allow) intelligence about actionable items to help him succeed. You might say, why bother sending another.  Very true.  Pointless.  But we should do what we can.  Not more, and not less.  I can do this.  Would there be benefit?  Harm, when he ignores it and so digs deeper into such neurotic behavior.  Yet another drink by the alcoholic, as it were.  So should I do it.  

All week I've thought about how I left, and I feel uneasy, a sort of guilt.  I think it's the sympathy we feel for our abuser.  And of course it's hurtful, the way telling someone they are not trusted is hurtful. The poor guy.  On the ropes financially, I'd expect -- wouldn't know, because of the toxic communication.  In that case, however, he should have valued me, because my contribution was not insignificant.  Instead, well, I won't go into details.  Not respectful.  

It's not inappropriate that I certainly have lost the respect etc of his young new bride -- whom I mentioned once in these pages.  The complaint will be that I left without any notice.  But I had no key, and I felt complete distrust and insecurity re the situation.  He could lock me out, deny entry, call the police, claim what was mine, as his own.  Was that likely?  He was bizarre, so how could I know.  I have commitments and obligations.

My question is, should I send that advisory biz email to her.  The optics would be that I'm going behind his back, trying to win her over, justify myself etc.  Motive, like cocaine, is a hell of a thing.  But she wants to help him, and what I have to say -- strictly impersonal -- is highly valuable if acted on.  Just, unwelcome, coming from me.

I have the guilt an abused girlfriend feels when she finally leaves the abuser.  Uncomfortable metaphor, but it has been my joke.  Barring, frankly, a miracle, my young former friend, the new bride, will be having similar feelings in, as I have said, the middle-distance future.  Months or a few years.  (Now I understand how my then parents-in-law would have felt about me -- pretty crazy and very immature as I was.  But I was saner than the place I came from.)

It's why older people should advise younger people.  The advice won't be taken, but it acts as permission when, finally, the time comes.  

If it's not obvious, that's why I study history.  Human nature never changes.  Every generation is born knowing nothing at all.  We can invent reality as if it were an idealistic theory, like Marxism, with argumentation but no testing.  Or we can combine the suffering we endure because of our own mistakes, with the infinitude of examples that reaches us through history and lore and legend, and, recognizing the common theme and screamingly obvious lessons, we can start to act prudently. 

I feel some guilt, and I feel vulnerable to the accusation of cruel or cowardly action.  Upon reflection, and given the situation as it was, I would not have done it any other way. The reality is that for once I have acted for self-protection.  People will resent this.  When we stop sacrificing ourselves, we sacrifice someone else.  

Sorry.

J