Op Ed

ut most of all, I hate America." Now, while Your Humble Author would never condone such actions, it is certainly clear that it was America that was at fault. This goes without saying.

Domestically, reports from our heroic, patriotic [Ed.'s Note: "patriotic" in the good, internationalist, Liberal, non-American sense], and utterly fair-minded National Media -- starting with the NY Times on Dec 16 -- have it that the NSA has been monitoring communications within the United States of Americaca, WITHOUT A WARRANT -- targeting not only the odd vegan group (with whose cause Your Humble Author is affiliated) -- but also certain religious minorities of a Semitic but certainly not Hebraic persuasion. The Times has had the story for a year, but for some very excellent if unstated reason they withheld publication on it until this joyous nonsectarian winter holiday season. (Merry Solsticeday, people!) Did Your Humble Author mention that NO WARRANT has been issued for these WARRANTLESS invasions of privacy? If so -- and Your Humble Author is too busy feeling indignant to bother to look -- it bears repeating that these UNWARRANTED searches were WARRANTLESS.

Again, a breathless US News report is righteously [Ed.'s Note: "righteously" in the good, secular, non-judgmental, tolerant and inclusive sense, unlike those hypocritical religious bigots] gasping out the shocking atrocity that there are top secret NEST vans -- unmarked government vans, officially classified as top secret! -- cruising the streets of such non-strategic cities as Washington DC and NYC, attempting to invade our privacy by seeking out radiation from homemade nukes -- say, homemade by some sort of freedom-fighting novitiate of some religious persuasion or another -- maybe Mennonites.

And this search, this invasion of privacy, this Constitution-trashing, fascistic, impeachment-demanding invasion by that Bush's Big Brother police state -- also has been conducted WITHOUT A WARRANT. How thankful those of us on the Left must feel, that such top secret programs -- nay! rather pogroms! -- are revealed to the public, during such dark and desperate days as these, threatened as those of us on the Left must feel, by that Bush and his minions, with their top secret conspiracies against our alternative lifestyles and our absoluted right to privacy under every possible condition. How dare that Bush seek to examine our emissions! How dare that Bush's vans cruise the public streets with monitors that might detect radiation. Whose private radiation should EVER be examined WITHOUT A WARRANT? Nobody's! Why, that's like listening to somebody's music! How dare they use their ears to listen to somebody else's private music! And how dare they use monitors from the street to detect radiation! It's Nazi Germany all over again.

How those of us on the Left must delight, delight in the shocking revelations -- nay, the inevitable confirmation -- that this, THIS is what that Bush is like. Certainly those of us on the Left needed no further evidence of that Bush's criminal character. After all, just as the First Amendment protects us from all speech about religion -- oh, don't get Your Humble Author started about THAT flavor of opium -- and just as the Second Amendment ensures our safety against gun violence by those homophobic wife-beating Bible-thumping redneck conservative bigots ... but Your Humble Author is being redundant -- so does the Fourth Amendment protect all the world from unreasonable searches and seizures. There shall be no unreasonable searches, without a warrant. No unreasonable searches. No unreasonable. Unreasonable...

Um... oh ... I never noticed ... never noticed that word, before.

[ahem]

Well, Your Humble Author is certain, and assures you with all the authority that His position as a member of the Media imbues, nay, invests Him with, that all His previous statements and characterizations are still unquestionably correct. Those of us on the Left understand that there are many words and phrases in the Constitution that have no meaning, but are merely stylistic flourishes. Likewise, there are many shadows of penumbras emanating from the Constitution -- like sephiroth from the Tree of Life -- awaiting manifestation through the piercing discernment of enlightened progressive heroic sectarian atheistic heroic good activist good judges. Those of us on the Left shall pay no attention to that word, henceforth ignored, and those of us on the Left will maintain that no searches of any description shall ever be conducted under any circumstances, without the prior approval of a member of the highest branch of government, the Judiciary of course.

Your Humble Author,

Helmut Crisp

PS -- No blood for oil.