Happy Abortion Day!

re better off dead -- not that they ... it ... those its ... those things were ever alive to begin with.

The idea that something floating upside down inside a woman – yuck! – for heavens sake, could be human? – it’s simply laughable. If a lifetime of enlightened hedonism has taught Your Humble Author anything, it’s that appearance is the most important thing there is. And these horrid little globs of mucus certainly do not look human. They look like they belong on the end of a fishing line -- and thanks to choice, they do end up on a hook. The idea that anything of human worth could exist before birth? The very thought is absurd. After all, what is a person? Even a real baby is barely a person – certainly this unborn thing could not be. It’s obvious. Every thinking person of thoughtful intelligence knows that humanity develops over time, and certainly cannot be said to start before the defining moment of life occurs: when skin is first touched by air.

Just as evolution is a proven fact beyond any possibility of debate and anyone who disagrees with that is a cretinous buffoon and a religious cult fanatical bigot who should be interred in a re-education camp and have their dozens of filthy children placed in orphanages and put on Ritalin, so it must be clear to all educated persons of wit and culture that humanity itself is not a birthright, but rather something that a non-Republican government agrees to bestow on an organism. Only a fascist would think otherwise.

The so-called Fourth of July may be so-called America's "birth" day, but January 22 is the day it became civilized, and birthday became nonbirthday – choiceday. To think that this so-called country should be the laughing stock of the civilized world – oh, USSR, how we all miss you – by denying a woman the right to choose! Oh, the shame, the shame of it. To think that the French are laughing at us! – oh, the humiliation! But on that glorious, that millennial day, that high water mark of so-called American so-called civilization, in 1972! The Supreme Court saved us from this infamy! That’s why the Supreme Court is supreme. Every branch of government controlled by those of us on the Left should be supreme. Anything, to save us from the right-wing totalitarians who question our patriotism and oppress minorites such as women and gays. Oh, those hateful red state rednecks who are all so disgusting and judgmental ... ha! judgmentally retarded! Those intollerant hypocrites. If only choice were retroactive, how pure the world would be. They're all so hateful and racist.

How could anyone deny a woman the right to choose? What an evil, evil country we lived in and still live in. Cuba is so much better! Or San Francisco. How Your Humble Author, like all enlightened fellanthropists, hates, hates this horrid so-called America, and if only he could get a passport believe you me he'd be in Costa Rica this very moment - oh, those beautiful brown youths! ... I mean, philanthropists ... and, um, beautiful brown, um, yams. If only there were a way to abort America ... no, I mean exercise choice on America I mean so-called America as we abort no choice all the useless, vile parasites that infest the innocent uteri of women. What did a woman ever do, to deserve this invasion? - like that Bush penetrated Iraq? I can think of nothing. Some ignorant straight macho hetman beer-drinking breeder macho ignorant baseball-watching unwaxed dewd invades the vaginal barrel of his victim – and what of her choice? There is only one choice. Choice.

And so, to all Your Humble Author’s faithful readers, a fond remembrance is bid. We leave you with this golden thought of the day: Choice a fetus for freedom.

Your Humble Author,

Helmut Crisp

PS -- Teapot Dome