Monday, February 13, 2006

Look Out! He's Got a Gun!

aving maniac. When Your Humble Author heard the news, he nearly spewed his latte! When the reports first came in, it sounded like the Bush-doppleganger Quayle had been shot - something about birds and shooting and vice presidents. No such luck. It was Burr ... I mean Cheney doing the shooting. Well, I should say that blasting your lawyer in the face is a vice. Hope they packed some Bactine. I understand he's going to keep shooting lawyers until the threat of impeachment becomes technically impossible. But I think skinning them is just going too far.

All right-wingers are too stupid to know who Shakespeare was, who was gay by the way, so Cheney couldn't have been thinking of the line from Henry VI part 2: "The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers!" Perhaps Cheney thought he was shooting a minority? The name wasn't Matthew Shepherd, was it? It must be just a reflex with them, like swallowing is with me. In any case, looks like it's open season on VPs, now! Mount up, boys!

What Your Humble Author would like to know is where was Dick Cheney when Kennedy was shot? I think we've stumbled onto something here. And isn't a columbine a sort of bird? And isn't it cosmic that Scooter Libby should work for Shooter Cheney? The hand of Gaia! It's all so clear, now.

Far be it from YHA to say that those of us on the Left could have been wrong about it, but perhaps a re-thinking of gun control is in order. Let's see - if we just leave all the guns in the hands of Republicans, maybe they'll finish each other off! But no, it's the Repugs who have all the guns already. Of course it goes without saying the worst offense was not instantly informing the press. Who do these ignorant hateful Texas redneck bucktooth Abners think they are? The gall!

And speaking of Dead-eye Dick, there appears to be a scurrilous "parody" of a G&S number creeping its way about the Web, like a fat venomous spider. Something about Osama B - a greatly misunderstood character, btw - working for the Democratic Party. YHA has not seen it, but some of his lovers seem to be under the impression that YHA is somehow involved. Rest assured, Dear Reader, such is not the case. Everything I write is tactful and intelligent and enlightened, and factually accurate, unlike those twisted scummy baby-killing conservatives who keep on spouting their lies that there was a so-called "Holocaust."

Alas, YHA is pressed for time - off to collect signatures outside a health food store to protect a woman's right to choose. One is never too important to help. Darlings, until next we meet, au revoir, mes enfants. I remain, intelligently,

Your Humble Author,

Helmut Crisp

PS - Checkers


dusty said...

You are very eloquent sir, and I enjoyed reading this post.

Jack H said...


You're very kind. Thank you.