Believing in the Great Pumpkin

Teddy Kennedy. To call him a swollen Herod all set to explode into maggots is an insult to Idumean despots. “It’s no wonder that the American people are frustrated with the Republican Congress.” So he starts. Indeed. It is the Republicans who so distress those American people. Not cynical self-seeking bloated hypocrite politicians. Republicans and only Republicans. Yes, Mary Jo Kopechne, there is a Satan, and he is Republican.

“Americans deserve progress, but instead are bombarded with politics driven by fear and division.” How true -- how very true. Kennedy has put his piebald thumb squarely on the issue. If only the Republicans could be a force for moderation and unity, like the Kennedy Party -- at which there are hardly any rapes at all. But instead those Republican bastards I mean badguys all bombard (like the warmongers they are -- boo! Boo on the Republican warmongers!!!) Americans, who all must disagree with those Republicans even though more than half voted for Bush who didn’t really win but stole the election. Bombard, because that’s what republicans do, instead of engage in reasoned discourse like Kennedy does all the time. Oh, pardon me -- I’m slobbering for some reason. Did one of my brain vessels burst? Perhaps I’ve been drinking all night at a party. Better go for a ride in the crisp night air. Hey, babe, let’s hit the road. I’ll drive. No, sugar, no worries -- don’t be afraid. It’s me, Loverboy. What? -- you're afraid to go for a drive with me? Have you been listening to those Republicans? Stupid bitch -- I could kill you for that. Now git in the fuckin' car, you stupid whore, and don't give me any more back talk. I'm Teddy Kennedy! Kennedy!!!! Get it? My brother was president!!! Who the hell do you think you are? Nothing, that's what. I'm a Kennedy! I could get away with murder.

“They deserve action on the challenges we face as a nation -- an endless and costly war in Iraq, skyrocketing gas prices and soaring health-care costs.” What sane American person could argue with this? Certainly there is an endless and costly war in Iraq. These three years are literally endless. Oh, the eternity of this Iraqi War that stretches before us unto the fading of the utmost stars, just as it trails into the boundless past beyond all comprehension. Truly, we waged it with Nebuchadnezzar and Hammurabi and Sargon and Chedorlaomor and Nimrod himself.

And the cost! I’m sure I’m not the first to announce to every nation, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we shall pay no price at all, bear no manner of burden, flee from all hardship, abandon every friend, appease every foe, because all we care about is our own selfish and petty comfort even at the cost of liberty. Oh, and gas prices are high, because of Republicans. And, um, health-care costs too. Somebody ought to make hamburgers illegal. Because only senior politicians of the Senate should be allowed to be fat.

“Rather than dealing with real priorities, the Republican leadership is focused on writing discrimination into the Constitution.” For sure. It must have been Republicans who wrote the Constitution in the first place -- I mean, what with slavery and all. Thank heaven the Democrats destroyed that institution, and fought an endless and costly Civil War -- just like the one in Iraq, only that's also like Vietnam -- to do it. I’m sure that’s how I read it in something the DNC emailed me.

An amendment to the Constitution, defining marriage? Seems like a really stupid idea, to me. For real. No sarcasm. It was just a political ploy by Republicans -- a bone to their sorely neglected base -- the less thoughtful elements of that base. How about an amendment defining life? That would fix the abortion problem. How about an amendment prohibiting unfairness? That would fix all sorts of problems.

But these are policy issues, rather than principle issues, and they would have the effect of the Volstead Act, or the Ninth Amendment, or the First Amendment -- repealed, ignored, or interpreted beyond recognition. I mean, why would rules be followed? There’s something about having things written out that ensures they’ll be obeyed? After all, everyone knows what, say, marriage is -- it’s not like a mystery or something. But the fact that we know what it is doesn’t mean it can’t be made to be something else -- like any law, or amendment, or item of common sense.

So the politicians will continue to shoot their wet and sticky spitwads, maybe throwing erasers, maybe dipping pigtails into inkwells. Theirs is after all such a deliberative body. And we, the American people, will continue to sit cross legged, hunched forward, intently studying their example that we may profit by it. I’m not sure if the proper image is of the Pied Piper or of Esau … wouldn’t it be grand if those two could gay-marry and miraculously have a magical child to be a messiah who would lead us into a fairyland of happiness where wars are not endless and gas prices are low? But maybe that’s wishful thinking do you suppose? And anyway maybe there’s room in Kennedy’s backseat for us -- I mean in his car. I’m sure he could take us to another world. It’s what he’s trying to do.



J