Friday, October 20, 2006

Reading List

What am I reading? Well right now, I'm reading what I'm writing. ... Oh. Well you should be more clear then. I don't know, I'm reading a lot of things. ... You don't have to take that tone. I can be specific without being berated. Sheesh, what's your problem today. Would you say you're more in a snit, or snarky? ... Yeah, same to you, and your mother that you road in on.

I'm reading Mark Steyn's America Alone. It was supposed to come out over a year ago. What was up with that? All the data weren't in? The stars weren't aligned quite right? It's my only complaint about Mark Steyn. Anyway, it's as good as we hoped. You know how much I admire him. And now a whole real book. Basically, demographics. The developed nations are not maintaining a replacement birthrate. Every generation sees half as many Spaniards being born.. Since economies that contract, collapse, this is a problem. Since infrastructure demands users, it's a problem. Thus, immigration, necessarily from the Third World -- most of which would be Mosland. And some of us are catching on about the problem with importing Moslems. They don't adapt, they don't assimilate. They riot, burn, and then take over. Unfair? Haven't you been paying attention? I hate repeating myself. Try listening. You might learn something. ... Don't go taking that tone with me. I don't argue. I instruct. So clean out your ears. ... I don't make trash, I burn it.

And I'm reading a couple of books on English. The language, nimrod. One is Forgotten English, just on obsolete words. How the language changes. Savory words like scandaroon -- a swindler. Short, sharp and fast words like feague -- a live-eel suppository for a horse. The self-descriptive mumpsimus -- a stubbornly held wrong opinion, or its holder. The almost intuitive bespawl -- to bespatter with saliva. Oh, by the way, if you've been hexed by a witch, spit in the pot where you have made water, and if that's not convenient, spit in your right shoe -- before you put it on, of course ... but do not make water in it at any time. That would be so like you. You're such a mumpsimus.

You'll have to pay me for the name of that other book on English. We'll work something out. I haven't decided on a price yet. But you know how to use Paypal, right? Believe me, this is a real winner of a book. Double plus good. I'm holding it right now. Oooo. It's soooo good. All these pages, and soooo many words! Almost all of which are in English! Bet you wish you knew its wonderful, magical name! But wait! You can! Just leave your name and address in the comments, and I'll rush that name right to you! And leave your mother's maiden name, and your social security number. And your bank account info. Believe me, you will NOT be sorry. How do you think I got so smart? And tall? THIS is the book that made it all possible! So HURRY! This is a time-sensitive offer!!! I might forget that name or something. Who knows? Maybe I'll be vacationing on my yacht off the coast of Costa Rica with a crew of hot sultry babes all in bikinis and glistening in the balmy tropical heat so sweaty and sleek, all of which I can do because I know the name of this book, and SO CAN YOU!!! So DO NOT even finish reading the rest of this paragraph. Just rush Rush RUSH to the comments and leave that info. ... Hey. Hello? I said "rush Rush RUSH". Don't you understand? Why aren't you moving? I'm watching the comments you know. Nothing's happening. ... Man. What a loser. Okay, I hope you're happy. Just go whistle for it, and soak your head. The offer, this fabulous offer, is retracted. Forget it. Pathetic. I pity you, I really do. Probably can't read anyway. Is your mommy reading this to you? -- the mommy you rode in on? This is why you'll always be working for someone else. Pitiful.

I'm reading a book on running. You know, that thing you should get off your butt and do? ... Yes, I do know how to run. What a question. So tell me, Mr. Skeptical Know-it-all, do you know how to test your VO2 max? Do you know how to fully exploit the metatarsophalangeal joints? Do you know anything at all about fluid absorption rates? No. I didn't expect you did. Ah, the light slowly begins to dawn. It's like watching a baby wake up. Would you like your bottle, little baby? ... Ha. Ha. You would think that's funny. Are you and your liver going to have separate funerals?

I'm reading New Religions and the Nazis. Strangely, Islam is not mentioned. Guess it's not new enough. Strange how the newest of the old religions is the most backwards. Or was that insensitive. After I've been so patient and tolerant with you, there I go bespawling the one true faith. How ironic. Just goes to show you that I, even I, am not perfect. Ironic. Just ironic.

And I'm reading a few other things. Sometimes I see double. That only happens to geniuses.



JR Striker said...

Me, Me, I want the name of the book! Actually, I want to get a connotation book that I used in High School. I can't find any Connotation book at all. I don't think that there are any in print. The book was so cool though, because it had the main word with all it's connotations and their shades of meaning per page.

But I'm not a language freak, no not I, and one of my nick names in middle school wasn't Mr. Dictionary. Oh, Damn. OK, I was, but I'm still not a Know It All.

Jack H said...

They called me "Mr. Spock."

I win.