Kudos to Me!

Thank you very much. Never has this honor come to a more deserving man-person. And speaking as Time Magazine's Person of the Year -- for such I am -- 

I feel free to point out that I am a man. One might have been confused, not by my own gnarly and grizzled phyz, but by the oleaginous term, "Person," by which Time has elected to denote me. Let me assure the vast throng that gathers before me to proffer the honor and unfeigned accolades that are my due: I’m all man. Yessiree. This old boy is 100% all-American beef.

I am surprised, however, that Time selected me because of my internet activity. They have not mentioned my wonderful blog, Forgotten Prophets, which you have the privilege currently to be reading. Thus, FP cannot be the internet usage to which Time refers. What ever do they mean, then? And how do they know about my less public internet searches? Have they been monitoring me? Wasn’t it Time that so objected to such invasions of privacy? Do I have to be a terrorist to get some privacy around here? -- cuz I'm willing to do it. Or am I thinking of another Time. Well, no matter -- they are of a piece -- or should I say ... PEACE?!? Har-dee-har!!! Such is the wit you have come to expect from one of my importance and new-found prominence. Oscar Wilde lives.

But seriously folks, I feel it incumbent upon myself to use my fame for good -- for the elevation of social consciousness and the bringing forward of global issues and the raising to prominence of social issues and the hying to the forefront of global consciousness and the, um, summoning up from the bowels of, er, obscurity of, uh, stuff. Foremost in my mind, regarding all such burning issues, would be my internet usage. What greater good could there be -- what higher purpose might we find, in this perilous time -- than for Time, and indeed for myself, to blather on endlessly about me and my internet usage? After all, did anything at all of importance happen this year? Was there any personage who had a greater impact upon the world stage than your humble servant? I think not. I’m that important.

Some might object to this self-evident fact. Some might say that the president of Iran might merit some notice. The problem with that is that he would be noticed. Can’t have that now, can we. Mustn’t rile up the sheep with scary tales of wolves. Some might consider the Dear Leader of North Korea to merit this highest honor. Feh! Nukes are so 15 minutes ago. Perhaps some would suggest, oh, say, GW Bush as Man/Person of the Year. But that would too much tempt us to call him Manson of the Year. And though we know he looks like a chimp and is a moron and is like Hitler and is the worst president in the history of the universe ... um, what was my point again? Something about Charles Manson and how much he’s like Bush, I think. Never mind. Someone might even have thought the emblematic flying imams would merit the honor, nose of the missile that they are. But no. It’s me.

It seems so obvious, non? My only bewilderment is how it could have taken so long. Frankly, I should have been Man of the Year years ago. He-Man of the Year. In fact, Every Year. Jack H: He-Man of Every Year. I think I’ll have to contact some of my agents at the UN or the State Department. Perhaps a Congressional investigation is in order. Now that I think of it, there is no greater injustice than this grotesque delay. Someone will pay for this.

Yes. Because Time Magazine selected me as Person of the Year for 2006, I’m sure that someone ... everyone ... will pay. Such terrible terrible judgment, from those who influence and lead us. Someone will pay.


J