Thursday, March 8, 2007

So why

am I depressed? I've pretty much finished a project, doing one of the things that I do really well, and the next phase requires that I do things that I do very badly, or not at all. So I suppose I'll putter indefinitely, and then just fade away. Failure is its own kind of security.

More immediately, I didn't get enough exercise tonight. I rolled, but it didn't take enough out of me. I needed a lot more. Not enough big guys for me, and I really don't feel right about imposing myself on the lighter fellas. That's only part of it though. There were two higher belts there, and I just kept my mouth shut. That's very depressing. No thanks, I don't expect that I need advice. One purple belt, A -- I've never rolled with him. Only comes in the morning. This was my chance. Will I get another? Would I use it? It's Sunday all over again. I'm so sick of myself I can hardly stand it.

I'd like my son to roll with some of the fellas -- he's way out of practice. And I am, after all, a proud father, who wants his, uh, his, um, his friends to meet his son and roll with him. But I just can't see my way clear to paying a frankly too-high mat fee. I can roll with my boy at the Y -- there's a mat there. So that's a bit of an annoyance. Am I wrong? Probably. Matters of principle are almost always just matters of emotion. But in purely practical terms, price should match objective value, and the objective value here is not commensurate with price. Or is that just rationalizing?

There's more I could say on the matter, but I don't say everything that I think. Surprised?

And I'm lonely. I have no intimates. Not a complaint. It's on me. I'm ever so careful to keep it superficial. And I've learned to be fairly comfortable in the presence of others. Byproduct of all that rolling I do. I'm still guarded, but that falls within the parameters for normative social conduct. But there's no quality to it. And I am, for all my independence, increasingly aware of the meaninglessness of a hermit mentality. God has worshippers enough, that he doesn't need Adam in his solitude. There must be some payoff in all this, though, that makes it worthwhile. The value must be worth the price.

Okay, maybe I could use some advice. I could use something. That is, I suppose I could use it -- unless I had to ask for it, in which case I would just sit like a moron and keep my mouth shut. Like a beaten dog.



brent said...

What more can be said that you haven't already heard and don't already know. You obviously set yourself up in these situations for a reason. Finish it.

Jack H said...

Who the hell asked for advice? And your words are strange and confusing to me. They fill me with uneasiness and dread. Are you a witch?


JR Striker said...

It's hard to know what to say. If I'm sincere in what I say, you'll probably brush it aside. Advise isn't what you really want anyway, is it? I can tell you what to do, and you will only tell me what to do.
Forget all that. The first commentor is right in that you have the tools to build relationships with. I just add that you have a fear of rejection. That isn't giving you any advise. That isn't telling you anything that you don't know.
All I will say is that you have to risk a part of yourself in a bid for deeper relationships. You also know this.
Just know that this fear is mutual to everyone, and everyone is just as afraid as you are.
In the end, you must act in the face of fear showing courage if you hope to do anything about your situation.

Jack H said...

Courage, then. Take heart. Be not afraid. Let not your heart be troubled. Who will free me from this body of death.

That's why we need a savior. That's why creation is more logical than evolution. Great fires need a first spark.