Equality

I don't think I'm kidding. I read it as being true. It's so bizarre though. Freaky weird. You will have been informed via our vast right-wing conspiracy network that we are at war, apparently, with islamists. Not a line 'em up war with tanks and howitzers. More a sort of get-blowed-up-by-roadside-bombs and smoke-them-out-of-their-holes sort of affair. As part of your indoctrination to our plot for world oppression, you will have been informed that our enemies believe they will have fully 72 nubile virgins at their beck and call in the here after. Lords and masters of a balmy bacchanal. Perhaps it's not an unreasonable doctrine, given how long eternity is, where the, uh, fire is not quenched and the, er, worm does not die. Hmm. Never noticed that before. I mean fire as in "passionate desire", and worm as in "aroused penis" -- not at all a reference to hell and its endless torments for evil-doers. But all this is common coin.

The surprising datum has to do with the new Philistinian phenomenon of Palestinian female suicide bombers. It seems women's lib has at long last overtaken the islamist bloc. Allah is at equally long last an equal opportunity god, the mullahs or imams or okapis inform us. (Interesting facts: okapis can lick their own ears; imams can have sex with babies and okapis.) Female martyrs to the highest holy cause of jihad are not to be despised in the after life. A reward awaits the distaff warrior fully as fulsome as the eternal orgy of the males. And there's hardly any theological awkwardness involved at all.

For while men could never be subject to the will or whim of a mere female -- per moslem theology by which men have twice the existential value as women -- the heroines are to be ladies and mistresses in the sweet by-and-by of a hareem all their own, manned as it were by dwarfs. Yes, dwarfs, who after all are not fully men, one must suppose, according to the highest thinking of the most respected moslem scholastics. Maybe these peerless savants read it in some lost surah, its verses inscribed on scraps of leather or bits of bone or sherds of coconut shell. Maybe it came to them while they fasturbated in a cave, or found themselves transported in religious ecstasy within the eager embrace of a lovely boy, so soft, so fine and hairless, his lips so full, his buttocks so tender. I'm just wondering, though -- do the chick martyrs get 144 dwarfs? Do the math, dude.

Surprising, I say. Surprising. But that just reflects my own intellectual limitations. I'm very narrow-minded. What the hell is my problem? I should be suicide bombed. Infidel dog.

On a lighter note, Hamas is producing a children's TV show, which features a Mickey Mouse look-alike who urges tots to kill Jews and Westerners. The imams have already pronounced on the permissibility of sodomizing cartoon mice.


J