Paranoid Rightwing Alarmist Rant. Not.

Nothing is more ridiculous than a failed terrorist. Hapless fools, scrambling out of their undersize clown cars, jabbering angrily about infidels and Allah. Pathetic. Some wild-eyed hyperventilating scrofulous bushman who tries to blow up his footwear, and himself, and 253 airline patrons midflight. Must ... must ignite ... shoes! Allah ... commands it! Natural selection failed, with that one.

Some nefarious desperado from out of the north carting crates of superdooper fireworks over the border -- when his dire exploit is uncovered, he hops out of his Yugo and speeds away on foot. Curses! His dark scheme to destroy LAX has been undone! The mullahs will be displeased!

Or the time a motley crew of al-Queda irregulars manned a dingy, that they might scuttle a battleship of the Crusaders, a certain USS The Sullivans. Puh-lease. More like the HMS The Gilberts and the Sullivans. "I am the very model of a mad medieval cleric / all the imams are astounded at my aptitude barbarical..." The wannabe corsairs so overloaded their proud craft with C-4 plastique that it sank beneath the swaying surface of the calm Arabian Sea. Yemeni goatherds found the explosive bricks and commenced tossing them about in a merry makeshift game of catch. How jolly.

And you heard about the Fort Dix Three? -- they wuz gonna blow up all them road signs that pointed to Fort Dix ... Fort Dicks. Heh heh. Git it? Like weener!!! Tee hee. Cuz confushion is terrifing and all the trafic would be like jamed! Or them dudes who wuz gonna esplode them fuel things at that Nu york airport, kenady i thingk!!! Boy is them guyz dum!!!!

Yes. These so-called "terrorists" are nothing but ridiculous. Terror? We should feel "terror"? Contempt, dismay, amusement, apathy -- these, not "terror." Yes, true, sometimes the buffoons manage to get lucky. But what does that mean? A USS Cole here, a couple Trade Towers there -- a few Madrids, a few Londons ... man, there are six billion people in the world. Of course some stray bullet is going to come down once in a while and lodge in a toddler's skull. But let's keep the big picture in mind. Everybody dies.

There's nothing to see here, folks. Move along. Careful there -- mind the rubble.


J