Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Why I Am Conservative

Here's why. Two Oregon middle school boys are threatened with five counts of felony sexual abuse for standing in the school's vestibule and greeting fellow students by swatting them on the butt. It had become something of a fad, it seems. When I was in school, running naked down the hall was something of a fad. Streaking. Ah, good times, good times. The Oregon Two ... no, that's not a very catchy sobriquet ... the Buttmaulers ... the Pinkifiers ... the Cheeky Terrors ... uh, the Buttterrors no the Cheeky Feelers -- ach, it's beyond me; some mind subtler than my own will have to name them. Anyway, these two boys will be registered sex offenders for life, if the District Attorney has his way. Insanity.

How could this possibly be a conservative or liberal issue? Beatts the hell out of me. Butt it is. There can be no conservative on the planett who thinks there is any sanity in this case. It is 100% peecee, bereftt of the slightestt ortt of common sense. In other words, liberal. Liberal used to be a good thing. Whatt the hell happened? Beatts the hell outt of me.

Y'see, I'm all for severe punishment of actual crime. You know, crime? Where actual harm is caused, deliberately? Hurt feelings do not count. That falls under the increasingly constricted category of free speech. Hey, you stupid ugly fat slob pig jerk retard, git the hell off my foot! While none of these adjectives may actually enjoy the benefit of possessing the virtue of truth, they still do not constitute defamation, being, as they are, opinion or the utterance of a duressed mind. It's part of being human in a free society. I have the right to feel and to express disrespect. See? And you just have to sit there and put up with it. No whining to your Rainbow Coalition about your feelings or else yer a sissy! Law is not about feelings. It's about conduct. Not about thoughts. About actions.

Of course I'm wrong. Living in the past. Supposing the Constitution has actual meaning. Sometimes I get tired of being such a fool. Now there actually are thought crimes. And I had thought that the butt was an organ of elimination, rather than one of procreation -- you know, sexual. Butts are, uh, fundamentally androgynous, possessed as they are by almost all of the sundry human genders. Doesn't a sex crime need to have some aspect of sex involved? Were the boys sporting some of those infamous "erections" I've been hearing about lately? Butt I am notoriously clueless in such matters. As I am in matters pertaining to current trends in law enforcement. Hopelessly out of touch. (Please do not be offended by my use of the sexual word, "touch ". I mean it in a purely metaphorical sense. (Oh, and please ignore my thoughtless reference to "sense," which might call to mind the idea of "sensuality," and is certainly not my meaning. (Well I just did it again. "Meaning" -- which shares some phonemes with "penis" -- it was quite rude of me to employ such a crass word. (And by "crass" I do not mean to conjure into your mind anything relating to the well-known sexual organ of reproduction which shares a similar sound. (I beg your pardon, but when I said "similar" just now, I did not mean to arouse you with any association with "stimulate". That would have been very wrong (not "long" -- which might cause one to think of a certain unsightly and embarrassing (I beg your pardon about the eh ess ess word in "embarrass" (and it's worse, when you see it as "bare ass")) part of the non-female anatomy) of me. (And by the way, when I have been using (but not using in a sexual sense (and "sense" in a non-"sensual" way)) the word "mean," please do not take it as a reference to "men," which is one of the four or five identified genders of human sexuality.))))) (And when I said that the law is not about feelings, I did not mean feeling as in groping. The law is about groping, but only sexual groping in an unwanted way, not like in groping for the lightswitch in the dark. Get it? I think that's cleared it all up.)

Kids have a right to be kids. Parents and school officials have the duty and the authority to deal with the harmless and almost constant poor judgment of adolescents. That's what the world adolescent means -- becoming adults. It's a learning process, and learning starts with ignorance and allows for errors. When the criminal "justice" system inserts itself into this domain, we cease to be free citizens in a free country. Indeed, we cease to be humane and we cease to be human, as it were -- how can we be human, when the demand is that we be perfect?

What we have here is another pettifogging Nifong. With judgment this poor, Oregon DA Bradley Berry, with his anal fetish, needs to be disbarred. Then tarred and feathered. Then executed. He's a stupid ugly fat slob pig jerk retard. Get it?

He is a disgrace.

That's why I am a conservative. Maybe it's one of these things that can only be demonstrated with examples, and never really explained. It seems clear to me.



Anonymous said...

You crack me up! (and by "crack" I do not mean the vertical crevice found in the area of swattage of which the two boys are accused of violating).

And to think when I was in Jr. High, I had to deal with boys trying to cop a feel in the hallways. All by myself.

Berry is truly a retard.
- I.J.

Jack H said...

I had that very same Jr. High experience. Girlfriend, being gorgeous is such a burden. How often I recall rushing home in tears, seeking the comfort of my frilly canopied bed with the pink skirtings -- sobbing incoherently into my soft, hair-powdered arms until the tears could no longer flow. Fortunately those of a certain political persuasion are striving to make the world safe for sensitive young things such as myself. Boys! Those divine brutes! There ought to be a law, and there is.


Anonymous said...

When I was a kid, the boys were hauled into the principals office and got a swat with a paddle for such nefarious behavior. Now schools and authority figures are afraid to do anything, say anything to students (for fear of lawsuits?)....

We're abdicating authority in such simple, everyday problems to the State and courts. Scarry. Now these boys face having a criminal record instead of a swat on the butt. R

Jack H said...

That's so hot.

And just a little ironic.