Gravity

Did you know that astronauts drink? Alcohol? They drink alcohol! Imagine! It's disgusting. Makes me want to puke. Like they do, the stumble-bums. So this is where the Spaced Age and the Stoned Age meet. Didn't we pass a Constitutional Amendment a few years ago, outlawing intoxicating spirits? I'm sure I recall hearing about something to that effect. But here we have yet another evidence of the incompetence of the Bush Administration. When he's not busy drowning New Orleans or making bridges collapse, he's spiking NASA's tang. Well, he was a drunk too, right? Nobody changes.

Yes. Some measurable amount of the molecule has perhaps been found in the blood of a couple of launching astronauts. Who or when or how much has not been divulged. Don't such facts seem like they'd be significant? But we are famous, us liberal Americans, for our zero-tolerance of marginal behavior. We tolerate truly intolerable things, because that demonstrates our high moral fiber. Alcohol is one of those nutrients with no fiber at all. If this is ironic, it's lost on me. Maybe I don't fully understand the subtleties of irony.

But the good news is that the space program is back in the news. I'd forgotten about it. Haven't really thought of it, in fact, since some time in the nineteen-sixties. Seems like there was some buzz about the moon. Hey! There's an idea! What about that moon? It seems like it might be useful to sort of forgo the diving platform in favor of the actual water. You know, get past a space station, and start building on an actual surface? Seems like that would be a platform to launch any number of really useful experiments. Maybe start using nuclear-powered craft. A lot more fuel efficient, to escape a one-sixth gravity well. And it's sort of like a universal dream, to actually arrive some place after a long journey, rather than circle around for a while then turn back.

Yes. Good news. I think it's good news. Because if we're laughing, at least we're thinking. Um, right? And we know how dangerous drunk, uh, button-pushing is, or is it just drunk-sitting? We won't trouble our minds with the fact that launching astronauts are glorified passengers. Drunk riding is just as bad as drunk driving. We know this, because all drinking is bad. And you know I mean it, because I'm the guy who's never taken a drop in his life. And also I'm really uptight. And, uh, I'm neurotic. I've never felt like I fit in anywhere. Nobody likes me. I'm a joke, a useless failure. Wait -- what was my point? Something about teen mothers getting knocked up at frat parties. That Bush -- what a frat boy.

Now I've got to go hang upside-down. My gravity boots have arrived.


J