Friday, August 3, 2007


Some of my pals go to Starbucks together all the time. I've never been to Starbucks. I wonder what it's like. I wish I could go. It must be great. What do people do at Starbucks? I bet it's full of cool people and they laugh like on tv. And someone will make a remark, and I'll come up with a snappy comeback, and they'll all be laughing at how funny I am, and they'll like me and I'll be all popular and happy. But then I'll go "Ach. I think I just swallowed a bug. Starbucks has bugs? That's not very hygienic. That's why I don't drink coffee. I usually just have water." But then they'll say, "No, Jack H, it wasn't a bug. We spiked your cuppa brew with a Micky Finn ... no, with an ExtenZe capsule for Male Enhancement!" And I'll be like, "Dudes, that's totally whack! I knew something like this would happen." But then they'll say, "Oh no Jack H, we would never really do a thing like that. We were just joking about that capsule in your joe. It was just a harmless prank on you." And I'll say, "Well what was it then, that lump in my piping hot java?" And they'll say, "Dude, it was just a coffee bean or something. Coffee beans are very nutritious. They include them for roughage." And I'll believe them and then I'll laugh and it will be okay. And then there will be a lull in the conversation, and someone will say, "Let's make up haikus!" And I'll say, "Oh, I'll start! My muse is speaking!" And then just then on the spot I'll make up this really good haiku!

I like my java.
It makes me feel so happy.
Hot. Foamy. Starbucks.

And they'll think that's so good, and then someone will say, "Oh Jack H, can you make up a limerick too? We bet you can!" And I'll say, "Sure, fellas! Just you listen!" And then right then I'll make this up:

At Starbucks some men of jiu jitsu
Were pining to know whether it's true:

"Perhaps we should quit

The Art of the Jit --

Cuz whenever Jack wants, he just gits you."

And they'll all be amazed at how good my haikus and limericks are. And that will be the psychological moment for me to leave, so then I'll stand up and look each of my friends in the eye as I shake their hands goodbye. And at the door I'll turn one last time and raise my hand like Caesar saluting his legions, and I'll say, "Gentlemen, farewell." Then I'll turn again and pass through the door into the warm breezes of the bright summer night. And as I drive home I'll be filled with peace, and later, in my home, when it's time to set aside the cares of the day, I'll lay myself down in the swaddling embrace of my sheets, and I will sleep the restful sleep of a man whose fondest dreams come true.



brent said...

So you never got out of the car to go in?

Jack H said...

"...and later, in my home, when it's time..."

I offer sweet ambrosia, and the pigs snuffle after slop. Cf. "An Apology."

Anonymous said...

Man, you really nailed the Starbucks fantasy.

Jack H said...

Fantasy? Oh, right. Heh heh. Yeah, that's what I meant. Heh. Fantasy.