Sunday, September 9, 2007

A Little Talk

Well, son, I think it's about time you and I had a little talk. I'm sure everyone has already noticed how your dingus is always getting bigger and twisting off to the side the way they do. That's just a perfectly natural thing that all real men have to put up with. I suppose you'll be getting that constant burning feeling too, like me all the time, and the dripping greenish fluid with the little wriggly yellow lumps in it that smell like wet dog and hiking boots. This is all very natural and nothing to worry about. Just change your undergarments every two or three hours. That works better than the cotton pads. I left one of those on over night and some sort of fungus had grown right down to my toes. It just peeled right off, but any longer and it would have sunk in roots. Word to the wise.

All this is just part of the normal change that turns a little boy into a real man. And that's what I need to talk to you about. Y'see, real men are different than the females. Women, y'see, they don't have the testicle. Real men have a testicle. Instead women have this clump of hair, and that's where babies come out of. She gets all fat for a while, after the daddy gets drunk, and then she splits open and a baby sort of kicks its way out of the wound. That's why it's better to be a man than a woman.

Anyway, all these nightmares you've been having are very common. No one actually knows that women will drink your blood while you're sleeping -- they won't say, and they seem to be able to cloud men's minds -- but it is a good working theory. It's not magic of course. There is no magic. That's ignorant. Generally it's normal for a man to get between two and three hours of undisturbed sleep, between the times he's being attacked by the women in his sleep. That's why men have beards.

Um, I think that's just about everything that's important. Oh, yeah, there's this think called "sex" that they always talk about on TV. Sex is what daddies do to mommies when they get drunk. If the mommy is conscious, there's usually lots of screaming and crying. And then the daddy passes out from lack of blood to his brain. He gave some of his blood to the women. Then later she lets go of the blood through a process called menses. I don't really understand any of it. You were adopted. What? Didn't I ever mention that before? Really? That's pretty funny. Yeah, somebody abandoned you in a carriage outside a mall dressing room, so I adopted you then. Anyway, about this sex thing, it's very dirty and bad, and if you have to do it you should be sure to never give your real name.

So if you have any other questions you just let me know. You know you can always trust me.


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