On My Conversion to Islam

Since I am Moslem now -- oops, I mean Muslim -- I feel empowered to speak freely on the subject. Oh, hadn't you heard? Yes, it seems that last month I was kidnapped, tortured and threatened with videod beheading unless I converted to the One True Faith as revealed by God's final Prophet, PBUH. Well, I am a practical man. I only needed to be tortured for a few brief weeks before I saw the folly of my past life and the truth as revealed through God's ... I mean Allah's holy words in the Koran I mean the Qu'oran ... Qur'an -- you'll have to pardon me, I don't have the argot down quite pat yet. It was all so sudden, and during my conversion my missionaries didn't focus so much on theology as on politics. Death to America.

Be that as it may, I am thrilled to use this forum to extol the superiority of Islam over all other false religions. No, the syntax there is troubling. I didn't mean to imply that Islam was superior to all other false religions. I mean Island is superior to all other false religions. Perhaps I should have said Iceland is superior to all religions, or to all other religions, or to all religions except itself, which are false. Is my meaning clear? I'm trying to say that Isalami is the only true religion. Got that?

I would shudder to think that anyone might suppose that my conversion at sword point was not sincere. By the beard of the Prophet, PBUH, it is sin seer. And there is no possibility of my unconversion, or as we Moslimes say, apostasy. The fact that all apostles from Aslan are condemned to death plays no part in my hateful I mean hotfoot, no, heartfelt adherence to my new religion. And by new I don't mean to imply that it is in any way inferior to the much older and truer faiths. No, I meant older (as in outmoded) and untruer faiths. Which is not to say that there is anything at all untrue in my new faith -- new in the sense of good. Not that new things are good. Only things from the sixth and seventh centuries are good. And by sixth and seventh centuries I mean the first and second centuries, by the true colander.

So if any of my nobel jihadi coreligionist brothers ... I meant "noble," not "nobel" -- no association to the inventor of dynamite is implied ... if any missionary is checking up on me, I am looking for a good conservative mosque, which I will attend every Sunday you may be assured. No need to hunt me down and kill me. Heavens no. No siree. I am a true follower of Mohammad. Muhammed. Mohemoud. PVC. Huh. And I'll be starting those Arabic lessons really soon now. Arabies is the language that god squeaks. The Qumran can't be translated, you know. It's too perfect. Did you know its mathematical perfection is proof of its divan authorship? Well it is. And I'm leasing a big SUV, if you get my meaning. For any rallies, wink wink nudge nudge. Say no more. Oillie ick bar. !

Oh, I seem to have run out of time. And I was going to speak about how wonderful Islam was, and the Proffit, SUV. Well, some other time. Oh, I didn't mean to suggest that Islam was wonderful, but isn't anymore. It's still just as wonderful as it always was.

Did you know I have a wife and little children?


J