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Sunday, September 2, 2007

Richard Jewell

Don’t you just hate him? Fat loser. Disgusting. He’s the human pig who planted a bomb at the ’96 Atlanta Olympics, and then pretended to be a hero by warning people away from it … just before it exploded!!!! Golly, he musta bin so smart and brave and observant!!! Attention, everyone! Lookit me bein’ a real-life genuwine heeero!!! What a unabomber. Somebody shoulda unabombed his unibrow. So they caught him, and it turns out he was just as much of a loser as we know he was. Lived with his mommy. Wanted to be a cop but couldn’t hack it. So he settled for rent-a-cop. And now he’s dead, age 44, of a heart attack of course. Disgusting.

Yep.

Oh. Did I say he was guilty? My bad. Heh heh. Turns out he was innocent. Falsely accused then, by the sages of virtue in the media. The dogs had no problem sniffing out his private details and dragging them all across the news. Leno called him the Unadoofus. His mother was, inevitably, the Una-mamma. Tee hee. Jump in, boys. The blood’s fine!

The real bomber? Eric Rudolph, who later bombed a couple of abortion mills and a gay nightclub. I hardly know what to say. Can’t see a connection. The Olympics are gay? Abortionists are gay? Abortion is gay like the Olympics? I don’t get it. Gays should be aborted at the Olympics? Huh?

Fun Fact: Real-killer Eric Rudolph lived as a fugitive for five years, hiding in the woods of the Appellation Mountains where he ate acorns and salamanders, raided vegetable gardens and grain silos, and rummaged through dumpsters. Bonus Fun Fact: Eric’s older brother, Daniel, deliberately severed one of his hands from his body with a radial-arm saw and mailed out a videotape of the spectacle along with the narrative explanation that the act was designed to "send a message to the FBI and the media." The hand was reattached surgically.

Then there is former-Senator Larry Craig, who resigned after massive media coverage of his guilty plea to disorderly conduct in a washroom.

One of these things is not like the other. The media whores don’t care about guilt or innocence. They care about news, by which is meant fame, agenda and profit. One of the whores, by the name of Tom Brokaw, "reported" of Jewell that "speculation is that the FBI is close to making the case. They probably have enough to arrest him right now, probably enough to prosecute him, but you always want to have enough to convict him as well. There are still some holes in this case." "Holes" in this instance must mean "innocence." Brokaw is probably a poet, to use words so elliptically, probably a gay poet -- a drug-addict, child-molesting gay poet. In the future everyone will be falsely accused for fifteen minutes. That's not the difference.

Craig pled guilty. Jewell was guilty of nothing. Craig has a trail of accusations stretching back at least 40 years. Jewell’s record includes saving the life of a choking baby. When Craig was arrested, he displayed, perhaps angrily, perhaps arrogantly, his Senate identification, perhaps expecting it to buy him special treatment. Jewell was an honest to God hero. Craig cut short his career as surely as if he'd used a radial-arm saw. Jewell died because of damage done to his heart.

So now we’ll take another look at that photo of Richard Jewell, and we’ll see a good man, for all we know, and one certainly worthy of our public praise and respect. If only we could know about such things before it was too late. But who will inform us? The whores? Better to know nothing, than to know lies.


J

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