Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Clinton Unveils Three-Step Peace Plan

LOS ANGELES (FP-Reuters) -- Few will have heard of Democrat front-runner Hillary Clinton's recent secret trip to the Middle East. Campaign insiders suggest the junket was undertaken in an attempt to bolster Sen. Clinton's (D - NY) foreign policy credentials. It is rumored that she presented a peace plan to Palestinian leaders, of an astoundingly ambitious nature -- supposed to call for a cultural rapprochement of revolutionary scope.

Step One of her plan requires the complete adoption of Middle Eastern customs and religious practices, for all Americans and native English-speakers. All non-citizens will be exempted from this requirement, as will those whose first language is not English.

Ms. Clinton herself entered whole-heartedly into the spirit of her scheme, and is pictured below in traditional Palestinian headwear. Ever culturally-sensitive, Ms. Clinton also eschewed any possibility of offending the refined sensibilities of her Palestinian hosts by refraining from wearing any "slutty American whore paint," as one diplomat delightfully phrased it.

Sen. Clinton during recent Mid-East trip

Step Two calls for the Jews to throw themselves into the sea -- not just Israeli Jews, but all Jews. Internal Clinton war room memos supplied to FP-Reuters by confidential sources outline the theory that such an occurrence will be good for both the environment and the economy, "which it is, stupid" (scrawled in Ms. Clinton's hand in the margin of one memo). If a Jew is not near a large body of water, Ms. Clinton's advisers suggest that bicycles will be provided.

Step Three calls for the universal adoption of Esperanto as the mandatory global language. To facilitate this aspect of Ms. Clinton's plan, all children will be taken from their parents at one month of age and raised in Government Warehouses similar to those already in place on most public school campuses. Additional details may be gleaned from careful study of contemporaneous descriptions of the ancient Lacedaemon city-state, as well as of George Orwell's famed political handbook, 1984.

There are aspects of this last Step which many thoughtful people find pleasing, but anonymous critics suggest that it seems a tad high-handed. Some partisans hold that Ms. Clinton has fallen "once more into her old pattern of over-reaching," first nationally revealed in her attempt to reform the healthcare system. It is yet early in the campaign season, however, and objective viewers believe that, undoubtedly, the shrewed minds that advise her will suggest subtle fine-tunings that will make her final solution palatable to all but the obdurately reactionary.


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