Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Horse Race

Hillary and McCain in New Hampshire. A stellar triumph, a triumphant comeback for the distaff senator and the old soldier who didn't fade away. Who would have thought that the massive, relentless clinton machine would prevail? All those millions spent, and, surprise, she won. Go figure. As for McCain, he deserves a chance. He's a politician, which means he makes deals. This is a bad thing? He's not a hard line conservative. Who is? -- that can get elected, I mean. He has a reputation for telling hard truths. As to that, I don't know. I don't pay that close attention. I hardly read the Bible anymore. I'm going to study these characters? Yes, McCain deserves a chance, which the cross-voting democrats have given him. As for the office, we shall see.

What have we learned from the Granite State? It's full of liars, for one thing. How else could the polls have been so very wrong? They had Hillary down by 13 points. She won, I seem to have heard, by three, 39% to Obama's 36. Hurrah! But what's up with that big poll error? "DEWEY WINS!" They're calling it a "surprise win", our hairsprayed doyens in the media. Why is it a surprise? Because they told us that Obama would win. So they were surprised, see, which makes it a surprise for us too.

We were supposed to forget her years, years of preparation and her millions, millions of dollars spent in that very small state. Isn't she a senator? How come she can spend all that time in New Hampshire? Because, my young friend, she has her priorities straight. America neeeeeeeds her. Now that's real patriotism. Oh, excuse me, I seem to be coughing up strings of bloody mucus for some reason. Your pardon I pray.

"The mild weather could have helped Mrs. Clinton, who gets strong support among older female voters who might be reluctant to take the trip to their polling places in stormy weather." Yep. Them old biddies like to stay at home. All except Ms. clinton. Good lord. What are our media priests trying to teach us? Their liturgy seems confusing to me. Old chicks is good? Old chicks is bad? I can't tell. And that makes me feel confused, and violated.

Monday Hillary complained about her "35 years of experience" -- it should be an asset, she thinks. "When did experience become a liability?" she wonders. Well, let's think about it for a bit. Thirty-five years ago was 1973. She was a lawyer, working for an ultra-liberal law firm. Then she was a governor's wife, then a president's wife, then a senator. So she's saying that being an adult is the same as having experience. Obama is two years younger than me. He has 28 years experience as an adult. Um. Uh. She must mean experience as an old chick.

Romney took 28%, in what is called "a possibly fatal blow to his bid for the presidency." Why would that be? There are 48 more states. Y'see, 50 all together. Get it? Like, this is the VERY BEGINNING, and these first two states are REALLY SMALL. Fatal? Did a poll tell them to say that? Well, if a poll said it, it must be true. Huckabee got 12%. Them New Hamshirites must be atheists or Jews or something. Giuliani did not campaign there, and got 9%, while Ron Paul took 8%. Where's Thompson? Check the internet.

In an unrelated story, some Iranian speedboats buzzed our warships in the Straits of Hormuz. One of our captains was about to open fire, when the Persians veered off. They threw some number of "boxes" into the water in our ships' paths, so that a course change was necessary. What ever could be behind such mysterious and random behavior? It's such a mystery to me, this randomness. Aren't people funny? Go figure. Kids, maybe? Taking their dad's Miami Vice cigarette boat out for a joy ride?

Maybe it's the famous Sailing Imams, not to be confused with last year's Flying Imams, who jumped around a US Airlines cabin, swinging towels over their heads and chanting dirges to America and positioning themselves at the exits and suchlike. I say, NOT like that at all, the Sailing Imams. Golly, why would you make that mistake? Don't you know the difference between an airplane and a speedboat? They are totally different. So why are you bringing up the USS Cole, which had a big hole blown into it by a rubber raft? Is a rubber raft the same as a cool speedboat? You're so silly. And probably a racist. Anyway, didn't you see Syriana? No, cuz nobody saw it. But if you had, you'd know who the good guys are. THEM.

Ah well. These are interesting times. Everybody seems to be racing around. Old chicks and black dudes and slick pols and Bible thumpers and faithful Moslems out for a cruise looking to drift in battleship wakes maybe so they can waterski or something cool like that. Interesting times.

But I like it. Two primaries so far, and four winners. It's not a lock. Maybe we'll have a brokered convention. Wouldn't that be neat? Cigars and smoke-filled rooms. How retro can you get? It's morning in America.


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