Wednesday, June 4, 2008

The Anvil Chorus

The 1899 Horsey Horseless. Because, you know, you don't wanna scare the horses.

The 1911 Overland OctoAuto. When a QuadroAuto just isn't up to the job.

The 1913 Scripps-Booth Bi-Autogo. A 3,200 pound motorcycle with training wheels. Yeah.

The 1933 Fuller Dymaxion. Buckminster Fuller's brainchild. It started out as a plane.

The Renault Dauphine. It took 32 seconds to get to 60 mph. If it got there at all.

The Zunndapp Janus. Top speed of 50 mph: "Its unique feature was the rear-facing bench seat, which meant passengers could watch in horror as traffic threatened to rear-end this rolling roadblock of a car."

The Amphicar. "...the world's most aerodynamic anchor."

The Peel Trident. "...designed and built on the Isle of Man in the 1960s for reasons as yet undetermined, kind of like Stonehenge." I used to have a corn popper that looked like that.

The Chrysler Imperial LeBaron. My, it's so, so imperial! I used to see these all the time on The Rockford Files, teeter-tottering to a stop in front of donut shops.

The Trabant. The 1975 Trabant, mind you. Before there were Yugos. A two-stroke engine. 18 horsepower. Made of plastic and recycled plant fibers. Fred Flintstone brakes. It didn't come from a country. It came from a bloc. Like cheese.

The Chevy Chevette. This is the only one that wasn't brown. The manifold went out on mine somewhere in Nebraska. Sounded like Beirut.

The Yugo. Nowhere. Yeah, I owned one. So? Carpet came standard.

The Plymouth Prowler. Too cool. Too bad, it only looked that way. It was just another off-the-rack car. What a waste. Like my genius.

The Pontiac Aztek. "This car could not have been more instantly hated if it had a Swastika tattoo on its forehead. ...With its multiple eyes and supernumerary nostrils, the Aztek looks deformed and scary, something that dogs bark at and cathedrals employ to ring bells..."

The Hummer. The name is slang for a sexual act. I know this because I looked it up on the internet. Since men who drive this vehicle have no penises, it's the only hummer they'll be getting.

Which brings us to...


Any SUV. In this case, the Excursion. The Ford Valdez. Nearly 20 feet long, six and a half feet tall, 7000 pounds. 10 miles per gallon. Osama loves it.

Thanks for the five dollar gas. Retard.



The Merry Widow said...

I had an off white 4 door Chevette. When I got pregnant, my husband marched me down to the car dealer to buy me a tank! Buick Park Avenue...
I remember a few of those fiascos.


Jack H said...

Well I have to admit, for running down college students in the name of Allah, or as baby carriages, these giant vehicles are just the ticket.


The Merry Widow said...

Well, living in Florida, if I have to evacuate the coast. 2004-Francis-2 teens, all their homeschool books, daughter's guitar, computers, 77# dog, 20# cat and luggage...suv, baby!
Tahoe, 1995, I do my own bodywork!


Jack H said...

We of Forgotten Prophets are always willing to grant extraordinary dispensations to the truely needy. For those devout souls who mule in supplies to snow-bound mountaintop monestaries, an SUV is de rigueur. This, indeed, is the very function of the vehicle. Which is, by classification, a TRUCK. People who need trucks should have them. Soccer moms should carry gun, if they want safety. All who disagree should consult their local gas station.


The Merry Widow said...

I agree, those soccer moms are a dangerous breed, and having them drive an suv is dangerous, usually because they have a vehicle full of hyped up kids(and I do mean baby goats) and a cell phone in their ear!
If they were in a suv, the havok they could cause...especially with elderly snowbirds on the road sayng, "Oh, look Ethel! They are doing such and where is our turn off?"


Ms.Green said...

What? No Opal Cadet?

Jack H said...

Alas, there are no pictures extant. The Great Purge, don't you know.

Will C. said...

"The Peel Trident"
I think this car (or one very similar) was featured on Top Gear (the greatest show known to mankind). Jeremy Clarkson drove it to work...and then drove it in work. Brilliant!

Will C. said...

And didn't we have this discussion in part earlier this year?
High prices breed innovation:
Like 100mpg Prius's (modified by sharp little ordinary Americans).
CVCC cylinder heads which were so efficent they required no cats in the 70s (designed by sharp little Japanese engineers).
Solar Cells made in cheap strips of film that can be bent around corners (made by sharp little American Southwesterners).
Highly efficent wind collectors on rooftops (designed by weird Mid-westerners).

I'm not listing any links either...why should I do all of Jack's work for him! huh? ever heard-a-google!?!

OK, I'll list one link, only cause it's so cool looking.

Jack H said...

High prices breed innovation the way paying racketeers protects your shop windows from being broken. Isn't there some better use for the money? Let me look it up ... ah, here:

He's not always right, but he's always smart.

[And please note, Dear Reader, how I was classy enough to provide the link, unlike that lout WC.]