Friday, February 5, 2010

Sex and Violence

WELLINGTON, NZ, February 5 (FP) -- A judge in New Zealand made a nine-year-old girl a temporary ward of the court Thursday, in order that her name be changed. Her parents, currently engaged in a custody battle, had named the child "Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii."

"The court is profoundly concerned about the very poor judgment which this child's parents have shown in choosing this name," said judge Rob Murfitt. "It makes a fool of the child and sets her up with a social disability and handicap, unnecessarily."

The child's attorney informed the court that she was so embarrassed by the name that she had never revealed it to even her closest friends, telling people instead to call her "K". It is probably a coincidence that K is the name which Kafka gave to his ultra-alienated existential protagonists in such works as The Metamorphisis, The Castle and The Trial, in each of which the hero is given over to confusion, despair, betrayal and/or death.

Names that New Zealand registrars have blocked include "Fish and Chips," "Yeah Detroit," "Keenan Got Lucy," and "Sex Fruit." Names that have been allowed, somehow, include "Number 16 Bus Shelter" and "Violence."

There is much to be recommended, in freedom. One of the few things better would be common sense.

Witness Ashley Simpson, whoever that is -- some celeb chick -- and her offspring, and the name bestowed on it. Bronx Mowgli, derivative no doubt of soccer star David Beckham's childish name, Brooklyn Beckham. Well, Bronx Mowgli isn't an actually pernicious combination of syllables -- just really non-euphonious. But consider some of the others. Understand I don't know who some of these people are. Like Rapunzel, I live in a high tower, mine of ivory, and what with my short hair I don't get out much, or have many visitors.

There's Nicole Kidman, who has a Sunday Rose. Meh. Better than Tuesday Weld, I suppose, or Wednesday Addams. Nicole Richie has a Harlow Winter Kate. Did she just flip through a vintage movie magazine? Nicolas Cage flipped through a comic book: Kal-el Coppola Cage. Gee, thanks, dad -- for not naming me Popeye, or Baby Hughie. Penn Gillette has two: Moxie CrimeFighter and Zolten (after, the dad quips, Dracula's dog). Provoke not your children to wrath, Mr. Gillette. But being a scornful atheist, you appear to have elected to do the opposite.

Jermaine Jackson has a Jermajesty. Okaaaaaay. Better than Mikaeel I guess. Jason Lee has a Pilot Inspektor. I don't know who Jason Lee is. But I'd risk a bet as to what his child will do for a living. There is a Blue Angel, daughter of U2’s The Edge (this is a personal name too, apparently). Tell me, Mr. Edge ... may I call you The? -- how do you feel about young Pilot Inspektor dating your Blue Angel?

We might have expected more from Bruce Willis: his daughter Tallulah Belle is a teenager by now. Let's blame his ex -- the one married to the kid from that tv show -- you know, the one who can really act. Gwyneth Paltrow and Coldplay’s Chris Martin put their stock in Apple. Actress Soleil Moon Frye, nee “Punky Brewster,” named one Poet Sienna Rose, and the next Jagger Joseph Blue. Jagger Joseph is, I believe, a girl. So is Poet -- Poetess being too retro.

George Foreman named all of his sons George, Jr through VI. I personally see nothing wrong with this, having as I do a brother named Jack. Perfectly normal. Perfectly.

Modern day demi-messiah Bob Geldof -- co-divinity with Bono, both supplanted now from the highest tier of the secular pantheon by BO -- named his daughters Fifi Trixibelle, Pixie, and Peaches. Several years ago Peaches was reported to have said, “I hate ridiculous names. My weird name has haunted me all my life.” How would she know? Having had only that name, how can she know her life would have been different with another? The poor child is addled. It's illogical is all. I wisht people would try to be more rational and stuff in their thinking in their heads. Sheesh.

But anyways, now, no longer a teen, and out of school, Peaches -- but shouldn't it be Peach? -- I mean, she's not twins is she? -- says “It haunted me in my youth, but now I like it. ... I always got teased about it at primary school, being named after a fruit [sic: fruits]. Now people find it appealing. I like my name [sic: names]. I think it’s [they're] sexy and unusual." I personally remain unconvinced that, say, a nine-year-old wants or can benefit from a sexy name. Be that as it may, Peaches (wouldn't it be a hoot if she'd been named Pickles?) advises the offspring of other famous genius saints who bless their kids with perfect names -- like, say, Rumpelstiltskin and Titanic Eruption and Lizard Boron and Hitlerstesticle -- to jus git over it: they “should learn to accept it and be happy they have a name that is different than everyone else’s.… If a parent wants to name a child something they find interesting, it’s always a good thing.”

Ah, from the mouths of hot babes. We'll give her the last word. She's earned it, and it must therefore be correct. Life has not warped her judgment at all.


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