Wednesday, October 29, 2008


Today I had to deal with a long-term and troublesome problem, stemming from my propensity for neglect. It didn't turn out at all satisfactorily, and promises to be a very real problem in the near future, and in any case it will cause some short-term hardship. But I walked away from it with a feeling of optimism and great empowerment. A shoddy attempt at intimidation and effective extortion. Well. If there's one thing I do know how to do, it's to not compromise with petty bullies. It usually ends badly. I have so little power, and they have, comparatively, so much. But I can do no other.

That was then, though, when I felt empowered. Now I'm clawing at a solid darkness. Ups and downs, then. When I'm finished writing this I'm going to read the Bible. There must be peace, somewhere. I'm desperate. I'm not actually suicidal, but there was some faint beckoning there, for a moment or two.

This evening I drove out to do a workout with my son. I'm kind of distant from him nowadays. It's not that I can't let him down. It's that I can't curse him. I have to find some blessing for him.

No, we can't expect God to bless us in the specific. Do it this way, God. That would be too mechanistic. It would be a proof of God, and what would become of the atheists then? We need atheists, or what is Hell for. The specific I'd like is a wife. There, I said it. I don't even know any women. Maybe this gay marriage thing here in Cali will work out? But I'm an old-fashioned guy. I need a partner, though, and I need to be loved. I need someone to encourage me. I've been, you see, discouraged. Nothing nothing nothing works out. Well, my son works out, but...

When I stand naked before my creator, he will not say, well done, good and faithful servant. He'll ask me what I've done with my talents. I'll point to this blog, and he'll call it a bushel-basket.

What a waste. What a waste. What a waste.

God, have mercy on my wretchedness. I can do nothing on my own.



Anonymous said...

If we only weigh our eternities by our experiences in the valleys, we of all men are most to be pitied.

Jack H said...

Some people spend eternity in wretchedness. It appears to be an option. We can't complain about valleys per se. It's how deep they are, with their shadows of death. But only triumphant kings have all the low places made smooth. For the rest of us, it's wilderness. I'm tempted to acknowledge the occasional oasis. But as often as not they're just mirages. Dang. And I was thirsty.

Anonymous said...

Triumphant kings? I like that.

Seems to be the Biblical perpsective of us as well, although I understand it's a discipline to think of ourselves that way, what with all of the naturalistic and humanistic influences saying otherwise.