Help

I do have a sort of medical issue, that needs attending. I've let it go so far past the point where any normal person would have dealt with it, that what wasn't much has become serious. I have a few phobias, you see. That came as quite a surprise, when I realized it. As I've said, phobias aren't about fear, they're about anxiety, about avoidance. The fear comes only when you face the issue, and I haven't. There are a few things like that in my life. It's a sort of giving up. Pathetic and disreputable, and a target for scorn and condemnation and all that.

Anyway, I feel pretty much trapped. I'm backed so far into the corner that I realize I have to face it, like a rat, but as I've intimated, my circumstances have been downsized by the current economic situation. My poor foolish mother needed help, and I've used the last of my resources to try to do her some good. We shall see.

It's about asking for help. We don't do that. My mother should have asked, years ago. I didn't really know the details, and things got bad for her. Becoming aware of her plight has shaken me up quite a bit, but it's made it clear that this is a generational pattern. Of course it is. Thankfully not my son's problem. The curse of the vampire ended with me. Three, four generations, more, and the poison has worked its way out, vitiated. So that's a good thing.

Now, for my part, and my issue, perhaps I've arranged things so that I can suffer even more, with no resources at hand to deal with it. Irrational? Self-destructive? Did you expect anything else from me, fascinated witness that you are to this trainwreck? I'd like to break the cycle though. I don't quite see how I can. It all seems so impossible and so hopeless.

I'm thinking that another one of my phobias is asking for help. But who could I ask? God? I'm doing that. Family? A small sad smile flits over my lips; family is why I have phobias. You? Prayers will be appreciated. Maybe God can be cajoled. But the problem is about hope, and encouragement. In other words, emotional resilience. I'm brittle. How did that happen. Well, of course, it happened because I isolated myself.

I don't know what my point is. Just to talk I guess. I spent some time with my stepfather last night, who otherwise would have been left home alone. He's alone too, isolated by his circumstances. Poor guy. I wish I could help. But is that even possible?


J