Saturday, December 27, 2008


What's ... what's this! Oh my. My my. Mercy. We seem to have a prez, a next prez, who has ABS!!! Is it ... is it getting a little warm in here? I'm feeling a definite ... it's a little hot, don't you think so too?

Yes! Yes, I do believe it's true! Oh happy day! Abs! Definitely, abs!!

Oh. Oh. Hm. Well. Well then. Very well then. It seems I was mistaken. He's actually a bit thick, just a little thick, wouldn't you say, in the middle there? It wasn't abs at all. It was just some sort of fold, a trick of the light, an optical illusion, like the canals of Mars. Very disappointing. Very. Not so much ripples as dimples. I'm feeling a little, well, frankly a little lied to. And those pecs. Not pecs at all. Just skin, a sort of sag, a little pouch, two of them, depending from his collarbone like empty wineskins. It seems the internet has misled me.

And if -- or do I mean since?! -- that's the case, how can I believe this claim, these internet data about the most popular baby names for 2008? Isabella is first for girls, followed by Ava, Emily, Elizabeth, Abigail, Madison, Emma, Addison, Madeline and Olivia. I had a cat named Ava once, back in the mid-sixties. Maybe it was named for Ava Gardiner. Not really my cat, strictly speaking. Emily from Our Town. Abigail Adams. Dolly Madison. Madison Addison -- do you think they'll be in the same classroom? -- I had three Crystals in the same class once. Emma, by Jane Austin. Nothing terribly non-standard here. A bit nostalgic, almost.

The boys are a bit stranger, frankly. Isn't it hard enough being a boy, without some freaky handle? First on the list is Aidan, followed by Jayden. Lord. Know what his friends used to call J. Edgar Hoover? -- Jedgar. Yes, he had friends. Friends and Lovers. Next are Jacob, Michael and Ethan. Okay, they're good. Caden? Is that just two random syllables? So let me get this straight: in the top six are Aidan, Jayden and Caden? The world has become a rap song, full of bad and obvious rhymes. James and Caleb. I used to get gay email from someone named Caleb. Andrew and Matthew -- disciples. So it's not a total freakshow. As usual, Jack doesn't make the top hundred. I don't know what to make of that. I think I'll feel insulted.

Next year's most popular name? Barack, follwed by 12Pac and then JeleebLE. As the xkcd guy pointed out, Barock me Obamadeus.



Anonymous said...

The guy's got about as much sex appeal as a hairless rat. There's something weird about a hairless adult male.

Jack H said...

That's very Eurocentric of you. I am shocked to encounter first-hand such intolerant language. Not everyone is a hairy ape-like creature, you know, all matted with long wild fur like you wooly Caucasians. I'm given to understand that even your women are covered with hair. Barely human, frankly. Or should I say 'bearly'. You revolt me.

Anonymous said...

Yes, well. Still, is there any way one can remove these images from one's screen? I lose my appetite every time I access your forum these days.

Jack H said...

Might I suggest sticky tape, or a wide-tip marker? ... and a razor for your sister?