Thursday, January 22, 2009

My Detective Novel (finalie)

from: The Mystery of the Snake in the Grass Case

Chapter THree: The End of the Mystary!!!

"I suppose your wandering why I gathered you all here?" I said mysteriously, in this room.

"Yes, we all are," said professor Van Allen Belt, as he elegantly screwed his monacle into his eyesocket. "What is the reason for which this meeting is occurring, my good man?" he wandered aloud.

"Well you might ask. For the reason is because I have solved the mystery of the murders and have gathered you here again all in this same room at the scene of the crimes!" I revealed excitingly. They all gasped! The professor, and his daughter who had the hair like spun gold, Velma, and the gangster who had the little thin mustache named DeSoto in a pinstripped suit, and the fatman, Augustus Figg, as he licked his fingers with chicken grease from the sumptuous banquette from which he had but shortly decamped, and the hot babe singer at that nightclub The Tropical Banana that was owned by de Soto who had long luscious mounds of golden hair like spun gold in a slinky dress that was painted on her like a thin coat of liquid paint all over her sexy body and throbbing bosoms that undulated like pulsing things ready to burst out in sexiness, Carmenina, and the suspicious butler, and the funny guy who always made jokes named Slappy.

"Yeah, said Slappy, we was wandering what it was all about. Cuz ...... I'm missing my beauty sleep!" he quipped wittily.

"Don't worry about it then," Slappy, I bantered gaily, with an appealing grin, to let him know I got the joke, and everyone else to. "So here is the answer to the mystery that the newspapers have all been wandering about!"

But just then, the lights when out, and there was .... a gunshot! Slowly, sllooowwwly a hand crept to the light socket suddenly, and switched off the light switch! But I knew what was going to happen, and I ducked, just in time, and I felt a bullet zing, quickly, by my head, but it missed, because I duct ...... just in time!

"Nice try ..... Killer!" I exclaimed.

Then the lights went back on, and everyone was standing just in the same spot that they had been before, except that I noticed a tiny clue that only I saw. Me ........ and the killer!

De Soto sneered, "You will never find the identity of the killer, for he is too clever for you," he hissed.

"Ah, deSoto .. at last I come to you!" I said. "You had all the motive in the world ..... and motive is the reason people commit crimes! The victim owed you alot of money, didn't he. Didn't he?"

"Well, yes, as a matter of fact, he did.' Confessed the gangster clubowner Desoto. "But that don't prove nothin'. For if I killed him ...... then I would never collec! Ha! So much for the great detective, Mr. Jake Hatch the great psychological detective! Who is so smart and handsome, detecting and always gets the girls!"

"Flattery will get you ...... everywhere," quipped Slappy wittily, and a bunch of people laughed. They laughed because it broke the tension of the moment. Its a psychological response, commonly observed under similar circumstances of emotional or other tension, as is well attested by noted authorities in many prestigious psychological journals. I nodded appreciatively at the witicism in Slappys direction, and continued my interrogation of the crimeboss De Soto.

"Now where were we," I said, to distract him. "I already thought of that. And I recognized your sarcasm to. It is a common sign of insecurity. You should see a headshrinker about that!" He looked really embarrassed then, and shut his face up. I said headshrinker instead of pshycologist or analyst so that he would know what I meant.

"And then we have the fatman, August Fig! Or should I say ..... Dr. Ludwig von Krupp! Yes, that's right, Hair Dokter! For I know you're secrete! You thought you could get the secret formula for the scientific invention that would give a certain foreign government with expansionist ambitions! ' But the fatman lunged at me, and I dodged on my catlike feet and I whipped him across the face with my rod. "Not so tough now, toughguy, are you, with your master race!"

"Oh no, please don't hit me, I will confess to anything you want!" he whined pathetically as he groveled before my feet on the floor like a little worm!

"Oh yes, for no one can ever overcome free men and liberty always triumphs! For loud are the drums of war and the leader who bangs it for the citizenery who gives up their freedom to dictaters! It is a double ax, that chops both ways, like Conan the Barbarian! And my blood is hot! Hot, I say, boiling with hatred of the emotions and patriotism! And how do I know all this true stuff! For I am ..... master psychological detective Jake Hatch! But don't worry, for I know that it was not you. I will hand you over to your countrymen, and they will punish you sufficiently for failing in your evil scheme!"

"No no, he moaned, but my heart was stoney as a gravel quarry before his pitiful please, for he was so fat and evil."

"So what then? who is the killer?" said the professer screwing his monacle? "YOu'll never guess it!" he said with scorn in his tone of voice, showing desrespct for me.

Then I said something really funny and witty, that shut him up and put him in his place. Because he had just disrepsected me.

"I have the answer! It is ......"

And then the butler ran to the door, but I had locked it, and he turned and faced me like a rat. "How did you know?" he panicked. "Everyone knows that the butler never does it!"

"But you are not a real butler!!!" I revealed, dramatically! Take him away!"

"Noo! he said, broken-heartily."

Oh Jack, said Velma and Carmenina. "You are so wonderful."

"Oh shucks, girls, it's all in a days work!" I said modestly. "And so all the loss ends are tied up neatly in a bow! For the butler was a chemical genius who figured a way out to make clothes out of nitroglycerin, which in small doses is very good for the heart, but too much of it is violently explosive!"

"Then Slappy said something funny." He said, "That's right, girls ..... .now who wants to .....woo-woo!"

The end


No comments: