Monday, February 9, 2009

Commercial Free Speech

The story bores me so much I almost lost my perpetual erection. Some chick is selling her "virginity" to pay for grad school.

Yeah, I'd do her. For free. Or she could pay me. But she wants 3.7 million iron men -- well, dollars. Just one iron man. Alas, sex is never free. Always some cost. Anyways, she's selling the merchandise on the internet out of Nevada. Where prostitution is legal. No presiding legal authority exists, to quelch her entrepreneurial instincts. Yes, quelch is the word.

"Natalie is a virgin and would like to sell this priceless and rare commodity in a very exclusive and private setting," per the whorehouse she'll be operating out of -- the Bunny Ranch. It's so unlike me to quibble, but, uh, "priceless"? Given a culture in which it costs several hundred dollars to terminate a pregnancy, "priceless" is a troublesome concept. As for "rare", I'm having a bit of difficulty wrapping my mind around the idea. Virginity is rare. Do they mean innocence? -- civility? -- integrity? These things need to be cherished, and cannot be sold. I'm not sure how something that everyone starts out with can be rare. What the whorehouse means is that selling it is rare. Usually, nowadays, it's given away.

"It's a First Amendment issue. You can advertise goods or services that are illegal where they're advertised but legal where they're performed," said Marc Randazza, a First Amendment attorney. And who are we to argue? As a matter of law, the issue must be settled. It's clear. Advertising illegal services is a free speech issue, if performed where they're legal.

So if the age of consent is 12 years old, as it is in Mexico, and if prostitution is legal in Mexico, then advertising sex with 12 year olds is legal. If honor killings are legal in East Bananastan, then hiring a killer via an ad in The Village Voice is legal. Cuz the service is legal where it will be performed. "Wanted: someone to kill my slutty daughter who has shamed the honor of my family by letting herself get raped. Competitive compensation, flexible hours, full medical/dental, Roth-401(k)."

The matter is settled. Free speech. Get over it, fascist. Now I'm gonna go write a CraigsList ad for all that Angel Dust and crystal meth I've manufactured on my fabulous island paradise independent country that I own and make the laws for. Nudity is not only encouraged, it's required. I'm also big on le droit du seigneur. Why pay for the cow.... Now, bring on the white women. And remove this Pinot meunie -- it is displeasing to me.


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