Sunday, March 15, 2009

The Gay Test

I took it. These recent posts may misleadingly seem to create the false impression that I might possible wrongly appear to be a tiny bit homocentric, and I'm always on guard for signs of that. You know, clues. It's just the way I was raised. Intelligently. Whenever someone's conversation focuses on a randomly peculiar topic, the question always has to be asked, is there an unconscious process at work here. I'm fearless in this regard, and unwavering in my integrity, so of course I examine myself, constantly and scrupulously for even the slightest giveaway.

I've spent almost every minute of the past 30 hours playing and replaying the video of Ivan -- just one bathroom break, and I lurched back to watch it some more. I'm still rather dehydrated. Call it an altered state. Transfixed. Like watching chitinous aliens have insectoid sex. There's just nothing I've ever seen that prepared me to witness this. Finally though I managed to break free of the spell, and when the clip ran down one last time, and after I sat speechless, drained and trembling with dry fever for an indeterminate length of time, I came to myself with a start, and noticed the related-links ribbon that Youtube runs at the bottom of its field.

Took a look at some of the young dudes posting their camera phone vids of themselves throwing bodybuilder poses. That's transfixing as well. It's so ... well, words, at last, fail me. Like lifting the lid off someone's secret dark place. They're showing you ... yes, they're showing you their adolescence. Imagine trying to learn how to do that.

The things people post. It's like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're going to get.

So I took The Gay Test (just carefully press the arrow above), and I'm relieved no I mean I obviously passed it, totally. No male s*x**l r*sp*ns* whatsoever. Of course not. No question at all. It's ridiculous to even think anything else. Absurd. The very idea is completely laughable. Utterly and absolutely fantastic. Fantasy land. Time to wake up and smell the coffee, because you are totally off base, sir, and way out of line. So just drop it, for real, I mean it. I am 100% all male man, and so into the chicks it hurts. Got it? Huh? Got it, finally, dad? Believe me now? Are you happy? Got any other sons you want to try to destroy? Yeah? Yeah?


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