In short, in the past 37 hours, 2,544 emails have come, excluding junk and multiple sendings. It is displeasing to me that it took so long to arrive at this number -- my unspoken requirement was that 2,500 be sent, in a reasonable amount of time -- but my singular following has not been trained to be expressive in its admiration for my brilliance, so I can overlook this flaw, egregious though such diffused ingratitude is.
That being said -- and you will know better than I the full degree and nature of your thanklessness -- I adjudge it fit to reproduce here select excerpts of the begging emails that I have received. Measures have been taken to preserve the anonymity of the correspondents. FP, Inc. retains all rights to said communications.
From: fpjunkie@---.com
Subject: ur da bomb!!
o jack h please continu rwiting the way u write. u r so good and i love u so much and cannot live i think without ur wonderful ideas that give meaning to my puny life. [...]
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From: jhisgod@---.com
Subject: please stay
Dear Sir --
I, like you, consider myself a reticent individual, and rather reserved. It is however clear that you are more sensative in your nature than you let on - how we love to read between the lines - and so I hasten with full alacrity to assure you of my personal admiration and high esteem. I have never encountered a finer mind than yours, and I count it an honor of the highest order to be privilaged to read your blog on a daily basis. Please, sir, continue as you have. You cannot know the joy you bring. [...]
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From: jzslaiv@---.com
Subject: fp
alot of the time i don['t unerstand what ur saying but i love the way you talk and from what you say of urself u sound so hot i want to be ur love slave! heres a pix of me, and thats my dog.
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From: adonislover@---.com
Subject: esperanto
Jack, I'm sure whatever you decide will be fantastic. I will learn esperanto if that's what it takes to stay in touch with you and your incredible life. [...] And if you want any money or anything, just let me know. I'll get it for you.
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From: drmacoomba2007@---.com
Subject: Lottery Winner
Dear Fellow Christian --
Please listen carefully to this most important message. I am Dr. Alotamegola Macoomba of Nigeria, director of the National Bank Of Central Africa. Recently a depositor of my bank died in test ate leaving the sum of 1 point 3 hundred billion dollars american unclaimed in his safety deposite box. Since he is dead with no heirs, and the taxes here are high, it will be necessary to have a third party act as estate person who looks afger alll the moneie. That is you, for the prosentage of 10 (ten) prosent. Please sent my your name and bank account so I and my staff can deposit this sum in oyur account for customs and avoidence of Nigerian taxations.
Yours truely in the Name of the Lord,
Sir Reginald Harrigntonshire the forth, esq.
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From: rememberedprophitz@---.com
Subject: your blog
Dear Jack H --
Without you I'd be dead now. The degree of my despair was beyond endurance, and then I found your blog, and it was like the meaning of life was shouted in my face really loudly. You have become the necessary snow beneath the galoshes of my admiration. [...]
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Well, you did drone on and on is a similar vein -- monotonous, really, but it's clear that you need me, for all that you take me for granted. I shall make no promises, regarding how much longer I will toil in the lead mines of your selfishness, but I am not insensible of your bottomless need, and like Jesus at the gates of Jerusalem, I pity you, greatly.
Be glad you are so pathetic. It's all that binds my heaven to your earth.
J
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