Saturday, April 25, 2009


Oh no. No no no. No. No.


It's so wrong. What's the matter with me. I didn't, didn't mean anything, I was just looking for something is all, totally innocent. Really. It was research. Then I found it. It. And I couldn't, just couldn't stop myself. What is this sick obsession. It's hideous. Oh. No. I'm so dirty. Trapped and dirty. I'm so sorry. This. I'm sorry.

And then it gets into me, and I stop caring, and start looking actively, for something even worse. Oh yes, there's worse. Much worse. Much much worse. Would have been here, but YT banned it. Good choice. I should have had such good judgment. A bloated bodybuilder in a shower. Nuff said.


Of course you have not clicked on the link yet. I suggest that you don't. I didn't actually watch more than a few moments into that second, banned one, so it may have been completely disgusting. More of those homoerotic bodybuilders. I don't really watch them -- it's just my little joke. Well, the first, authentic and original Ivan I have, but only because of the bizarre disproportionality. It's the idea that he wants to look that way.

Re this sort of link, off to the side there are even more explicitly disturbing videos. I did make the mistake, relatively innocent, of clicking some. Don't. We think we can handle such things. But it's degrading. That second one -- his belly was swollen because of steriods. I don't get it, any of it. It's very sad.

Today I was driving in a certain neighborhood and a couple of young dudes were crossing the street, and I slowed, but one of them actually changed his angle to stay in the middle longer, clearly deliberately, and I slowed more and shifted to the side, and I looked at him as I went by, and he stood in the middle of the street and cursed through his pierced face and acted as if he thought he were threatening. I drove on, disturbed.

And I see myself unloading six .38 slugs into his belly and chest, one into his face. And I see myself circling back, one street higher, and finding the main road and the freeway and leaving the scene, police just now approaching, and who would ever suspect me, in my innocuous little car? And the business I had in that neighborhood, well, it was two blocks over and two blocks down, so no one would think I had anything to do with it. I'd call and make some excuse, and then another so I'd never be back.

As I say, disturbing. All this dishonesty. Sneaking and lying and pretending and posing, in streets or beaches or showers or cars, or on the internet. So sad.


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