Saturday, May 23, 2009

On the Benefits of Perfect Nutrition

There's been some questioning recently in the blogosphere about the true state of my physique and overall radiant health. You've heard enough to twitter me with your input. If you don't know what twitter is, well, actually I'm not certain myself. I believe it's a sort of cranial implant that communicates via direct electrical impulses with the cortex -- it's those people walking around with the Mr Spock things in their ear. Surgically attached, they are. Most of them are modified to inject sterilizing hormones -- massive amounts of xenoestrogens back-engineered from prototypes found in Mayan step pyramids. Geez, read a book, why don't you? It's a well known fact. A plot of the Jews. That's why you've never seen a Jew with small dogs.

Anyway, about my superhuman health and masculine beauty, these account for the vast majority of the buzz on Kos and Huffington. Well, Kos was mostly about my penis, but the bulk of it, the buzz, has to do with whether it's even possible for any human to be as phenomenal as I am. You see how illogical it all is. Can I be as phenomenal as I am? But I am that phenom, so the question answers itself. Lord, these people are so illogical.

It behooves me though to stoop to address the matter directly. Your eyes sometimes after all are not to be trusted. Maybe I'm a hallucination? Something out of your wildest erotic fantasies? You're not wrong to question your sanity. Perfection challenges reality, and what am I but the very paragon of fleshly perfection?

So, here, let me give you a few simple tangible demonstrations of my healthful power. I have here a petri dish of athlete's foot culture. Tinea pedis. Now, I'll just scoop some of it out and smear it all over my face. There. Ah. Now. See? Nothing. No adverse reaction whatsoever. A slight tingling, which I interpret as a tonic effect. That's my fantastic immune system getting to work, destroying everything that might seek to harm me. I think in this case it's a sort of yeast, or maybe fungus. But no fungus can match the terrific and terrifying power of Jack H's immune system. Foolish fungus -- I well defeat you always!

That is a mere nothing, of course. Practically a mushroom. I eat mushrooms for breakfast. What has Jack H to fear from mushrooms? Nothing. So let's find something a tad more interesting. Ah, here, some gonorrhea cultures, and, uh, some leprosy bacilli, a phial full of flesh-eating virus, and some ... yes, I think just a smidge, a dollop of pasty cholera ... oh, let's not be stingy -- globs of it. Now, I'll just mix it together, there, and now, snort it up my nose into my nasal sinusitic cavity, and rub it under my eyelids -- gums, under the tongue. Into that open wound I got somehow. And those boils, and the carbuncle in my armpit. There, fantastic. Bracing. I've already finished off that bottle of spot remover, and whatever those pills were I found on the floor by the bus toilet. So now I'll just dump this bucket of outhouse slurry from the Mexican free clinic, all over my head -- massage vigorously into my scalp ... and ... done!

Now, see? Aside from a sort of slightly distinctive odor, I'm in the pink. The key is diet, my friend, an excellent diet. My immune system is so highly tuned that a little stress now and then is actually good for it, like starting a motor to keep the battery charged. Oh, excuse me. That was odd. Usually blisters don't just pop like that, all explosive. Never had one there before. Anyway, the truly healthy person is excellent not just in body, but in mind as well, and there's ... ahem ... there's ... oh, pardon ... this is very ... well that's never happened before. I seem to have lost control of my various alimentary sphincters. Let me just wipe that up, and that too, and this. It's rather embarrassing. Don't know why that should happen -- I'm told there are like rays and energy beams that can have this effect -- non-lethal crowd control measures and mass population destabilizers for when we invade inferior countries. Huh. I haven't had a runny nose like this in I don't know how long. Interesting. Some sort of little eggs in it. And what's that in my ear? No, not blood -- well, the yellow isn't. I've got this burning in my ... ouch. What the hell? Damn. My, well, never mind what it was. It fel down my pant leg. let Kos wrtie about that fr a wile.

Wel i think im goin to stp nw. i cud go on of corse for as lng as i wntd to i jst hapen 2 wnt 2 stp nw. and its a hsle hvin 2 typ nw wth jst mi elbws. sort of cant fel or cntrl my fngrs or hnds anymr. prbbly frm wrkn out 2 hrd. n i thnk lptp btry falng. evrthng gtng vry drk. so thts al js rmmbr mi beaautyy

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