Sunday, May 10, 2009

Some Further Observations about Jack H

Jack H is handsome and powerful. He is admired by many who meet or hear about him. He is semi-ripped, and wears between a 12 and 14 sized shoe, depending on make, because running shoes have a larger number sometimes for some reason. He wears those sandals that have a bunch of little rubber bumps on them, which have made his feet hard and calloused, which is what he wanted to happen. Otherwise his feet would be tender and sensitive.

Jack H is very bow-legged, and his hipbones stick out like elbows. He has a prominent preorbital bony ridge on his forehead, which also looks like elbows. All women find him irresistible, except lesbians. His nose is long and pointed. He often cries for no reason. A dog bit his ear when he was seven years of age, and the cartilage is still broken.

Jack H was married to only one woman, and has one biological son that he knows about. During long car trips as a child Jack H would tell his older brother stories, to keep him calm. There are very few pictures of Jack H. He does not own a camera and does not know how to operate an ipod or a blackberry, and he is not sure what these are or do.

He thinks he will be alone for the rest of his life, and thinks that he will live in the desert when he is old. He thinks he will live to a very old age, and when he cannot care for himself he will lie down for a final time and sleep fitfully until he dies of dehydration. He thinks his flesh will not rot, but will mummify without odor in the dry heat.

He does not own any pets because he does not want the responsibility. He expects bad news whenever the phone rings or a letter comes. Jack H is very loyal, but does not respect this trait in himself. He would not change it, but he thinks it is a symptom of self-hatred. He thinks it is good to turn out lights when a room is empty. He does not have any sexually transmitted diseases that he knows of.

Jack H is surprised sometimes by how intelligent he seems to be. He enjoys the way ideas cascade and organize themselves without any effort. He does not know if other people are like this, but he is convinced that most people do not think clearly. He feels compassion for them for this, and he tries to control his arrogance.

Jack H thinks he has a good sense of humor, but that he is emotionally limited, like a man in prison. He never thinks about his former wife except in passing, and feels no emotion about her. He thinks that if he had not had a son, his life would be wasted. He believes he is saved, in a religious way, but he believes that God is displeased with him. He thinks he will be the least in the kingdom of heaven.

Jack H is ashamed of his life and what he has made of it. He is secretive and feels like a fraud, although he does not misrepresent himself and tells the truth in all things that can be objectively verified. He has a strong emotional need to feel as if he has integrity. Jack H uses humor as a means of distraction. Other people touch him only very rarely. He believes he has exceptional gifts, but he thinks that hope is a psychological defense mechanism, largely illusory.

Jack H is tired. He is discouraged, although he does not wish to speak about this. He likes to organize things and repair things that are broken. He dislikes waste. He loves children, but is far more reserved than he used to be with them. He thinks that his heart will always remain broken. He is sad about this. He wants to blame God, but knows he cannot.

Jack H is a fool. He is tall and blond and has blue eyes. He is aging slowly. There are things that he believes he can never trust anyone to tell.


No comments: