Tuesday, June 30, 2009

O Happy Day!

The clamor for more specific details ... but I guess details would have to be specific ... I must have meant more of those details that are specific ... but that's just redundant. Anyway, the clamor for details about my life is becoming ever more clamorous. Man, I'm typing a lot of typos. I wrote claymore, and becomeing, and just now wreto and then not and no2. Anyway, there's a lot of demand to know more about your humble author.

So, my real name is Jack Hugebaubles. I was born Asswater, Jack Asswater, but my father changed it ... the family name, I mean. It's always been Jack ... my name, not the family name ... I mean my first name. Well, Jackie, when I was little, but I've told that story. But Jack isn't really my first name. It's my middle name. My first name is Asswater. I know. Asswater Jack Asswater on my birth certificate. But I've told you how weird my father is about names. I have a brother, a half brother named Jack. I have another brother named Asswater, first name, and another who uses Asswater as his family name. "Hey, N," I'd say to my son, "want to visit the Asswaters?" -- his cousins. N is named Narwhal, after the noble Arctic cetacean. Anyway, now it's Asswater Jack Hugebaubles, but nobody calls me Asswater.

I'm the Vice-President of Product Display at the Skillful Liquorium, a premier adult beverages provider servicing select areas of Pacoima and Arleta in the fabled San Fernando Valley in sunny Southern California, the Golden State. It's a career that allows me to exercise my native ability at spacial relationships and my sense of color coordination and symmetry. It's sort of a Feng Shui thing, and I find if very spiritually fulfilling. On a related note, I met this hot chick sleeping in the alleyway while I was hauling out the empty boxes. So my love life is really picking up.

What. Did you come here for substance? I don't do substance anymore. In a world where an unqualified black man can become leader of the free world, I feel no compunction to conform to the inconstant strictures of reality. We've traded Bush's fascistic uniform factories for Umbama's unicorn farms where the moneytrees grow, and it's so much nicer and sweeter and better and smarter baby how we are.

Best news of all is that the Dhems have a 60 seat majority now in the Senate. That is such fantastic news, because now they are filibuster-proof, and can do absolutely anything they please, with no check or balance whatsoever. Isn't that fantastic? They dominate the House, and the Senate, and the Oval Office. The Supreme Court will no doubt shortly fall. This is so good. Now the Dhems can at last save the world from Global Warming and capitalism and the Bible. I am so happy about this. Thank you Minnesota and Al Franken. You are the best thing ever, so smart and wise. Hurrah! Al Franken is a genius, the funniest man alive and really really smart, did I say? Because we should have someone in high authority who writes books about how evil Republicans and Conservatives are, and how they are lying liars who lie, and how fat Rush Limbaugh was before he was a drug addict. Yes. Yippie. Now I'm going to go dancing in the street. Where's my feather boa? -- and my unicorn?

Can't wait for all that free healthcare. Now I don't have to exercise anymore, and I can eat whatever and whenever I want. And have gay sex with strangers in public toilets and the drugs will be free and mandatory.

And there will be no talk about assassinations, I tell you. The only dying around here will be the fetuses. Bring on the brainsucking machines. I'm so happy about all this, I'll man the pumps. Hmmmmm. That's the pumps, humming, the way the furnaces used to crackle merrily in the good old days in a certain Reich that shall remain nameless but was all that because One Party controlled all of the government, and it was a really good and sensible Party that revered certain categories of life and cared about the environment and had free healthcare and was socialist. Hmmmmm.


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