Thursday, July 9, 2009


Last night I was just about as depressed as one can be. Being me, I did my best to analyze it, and it's complicated but it comes down to hopelessness. Isn't that the opposite of freedom? We can't escape the effects of our choices. No magic will rescue us. The things that we should be able to change, like attitudes, seem like oceans and mountain ranges.

My triceps are so sore I can't touch my chin. How did that happen. A couple of tough pushing workouts, but I was okay yesterday until after I rolled.

I have met my match, at bjj. The dude submitted me at will. Yes, the pointy-knee guy. I never got to close my guard, and as soon as he passed, it was basically over. I was never much at anything other than my game, and the basic escapes that I have drilled, I've both forgotten, and never had much need for. Very instructive. I'm an odd mix of humility and arrogance, so my discomfort here is mostly because it's so unfamiliar. I knew how vulnerable I was, I just didn't have to face it very often.

Of course I probed whether the depression was keyed to the submissions, and I have to say, yes. It jarred something of my self-confidence. But that's just the mechanics of it, the rock that starts the avalanche. It's not the real cause. I will be rolling with this guy more now. Definitely. My pride allows short-term setbacks.

I drank a liter and a half while I rolled. Sweat so much I left three or four puddles. No lie. I had to towel off the mat, just as a courtesy thing. Got home and weighed myself, and I was still four pounds down. I didn't feel thirsty -- but that is dehydration, so I drank til I was where I should be. Water. And when I got up today I was still four pounds down.

I just don't get it. Is it an age thing? Or just something about me in particular? I'm not in bjj shape yet, but I've always been a sweater. Too many calories going to thermogenesis. How can I change that? Celery juice? It's a refrigerant. I'm seriously thinking of trying it. Maybe a mix of celery and cucumber juice; a bit of apple to make it palatable? Because, as has been said, heat is the enemy. The more heat, the more fatigue, and so the less you can train. Do it in a refrigerator and you could go much much longer. Then spend the last two weeks acclimatizing to heat. Because skill and conditioning are what's important, not being hot.

What, I'm talking around the point? I'll do as I please, and you'll like it.


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